


Closer: A Modern Lily & James AU

by letsdancevance



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Inspired by Music, Memories, Post-Hogwarts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-07
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-04-19 20:29:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 27,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14245140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/letsdancevance/pseuds/letsdancevance
Summary: It's been four years since James proposed to Lily, she disappeared, and the war for the wizarding world began. When they meet again in an Edinburgh pub, will they pick up where they left off? Inspired by the Chainsmokers song "Closer."





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is a modern Jily AU inspired by the Chainsmokers song “Closer.” 
> 
> A few disclaimers: I’m not British so the phrasing won’t be entirely accurate. It’s an AU because I’m terrible at remembering cannon timeline stuff so don’t expect everything to be Pottermore/books accurate. There is no relation to the original story as far as timing/event go during the “present day” story – the events during the flash backs to their school years at Hogwarts are generally similar to cannon, though.
> 
> Ok I think I covered everything! Thanks for reading!

# Prologue

 

“Come on, come on, old thing,” Lily Evans urged the puttering, shuddering little car as it sped along M8, probably faster than it had done in its entire existence. “Just a few more kilos.”

The yellow junker fortunately obliged and settled back down to continue the journey north. Lily soon discovered, however, that not worrying about her vehicle freed her mind to think about other things. About the acrid smell of smoke still attached to her clothes, which hadn’t been changed in two days. About the tiny box of belongings that was all that was left of her parents. About her abandoned trunks at Hogwarts, and her unused wand in the boot. About whomever might be following her. About _him._

_I won’t forget you,_ Lily promised silently. _I’m always yours and always have been._

The countryside turned into the outskirts of Edinburgh. She’d been there once before as a girl to gawk at the castle and wander High Street, and for some reason in those moments of panicked grief and terror outside the remains of her childhood home, those ancient cobblestone streets had beckoned as a refuge. Here on the outskirts, however, it wasn’t so quaint and welcoming. The shabby businesses and carparks that she passed didn’t look bad, really, but in her current state of mind everything seemed ominous.

Lily checked the rearview mirror for the billionth time, rolling her eyes at herself. _It’s not like they would grab their broomsticks and fly along the road._ Nevertheless, she clutched the steering wheel tightly and tried not to think about the looming white masks and the horrifically dead bodies that had been her precious parents.

A tear slipped down her cheek despite her best efforts, and she pressed her lips together determinedly. _This is the right thing to do,_ she reminded herself again. The platitude didn’t work, as always, and her breaths came faster and faster. She managed to pull over into a deserted carpark and dropped her head to the steering wheel, her breath coming in strangled chokes. _I can’t do this without you, James,_ she thought miserably. _I’m so alone._

That was the second time it happened.

_Breathe, Lils. Breathe._

She jerked upright with a strangled gasp and stared about her wildly. “James?” She finally ventured in a tentative voice. It was like he was _right there._ The jarring sound of a horn on the road was the only thing that answered her, and she could feel the sobs rising in her chest. _I’m going to lose myself here,_ she panicked. _I’m going to forget him and forget us and forget everything._

Finally, she let herself dissolve into harsh sobs that wracked her tightly–wound body. She cried for her lost parents, the overwhelming guilt, the broken relationship with her sister, the end of her existence in the magical world, the friends she would never see again, and most of all, _him._

An interminable time later, Lily finally cried herself out. The noises of the city began encroaching on her tiny piece of safety and for the first time she really looked at her surroundings. A row of abandoned storefronts met her wary gaze, their black, broken windows yawning frighteningly at her. The single working streetlamp illuminated a few abandoned trolleys, and surely that wasn’t…

She reached instinctively for her wand, cursing when she remembered she’d thrown it in the boot in a fit of anger. Fumbling for her keys, her breath once again came in short gasps. A dark shape was making its way toward her, clearly attempting to be stealthy. Lily jammed down on her lock and cursed the age of this car and its lack of automatic locks.  She turned the key once, twice, three times; her heart in her throat as it failed to respond.  _Shit, shit, shit._

Grabbing her bag, she yanked her lock up and then leapt out of the car, running flat–out toward the blinking neon lights of a 24–hour tattoo shop across the road. Disregarding anything but getting the hell away from whoever _that_ was, she was nearly run–over by a passing motorist before stumbling over the threshold.

Lily doubled over, trying to catch her breath. _God, I need to work out,_ she thought irrationally. Finally, she straightened and was met with the curious gazes of three customers and two tattoo artists.

“Are you… ok?” One of artists, a tiny Middle–Eastern looking woman, finally ventured after an awkward silence.

Lily gave them a thumbs–up and sank into one of the shabby pleather chairs. The buzzing florescent lights matched the cracked tiles and greyish, formerly–white walls speckled with old movie posters. This wasn’t a place she’d normally step foot in (except perhaps on a dare from one of the guys, but she couldn’t think about that). Yet, the sample art above the middle station was actually quite good. The simple lines and elegant curves of the sketches drew her eye immediately. An outlandish idea occurred to her, one that she would regret many times in the years to come.

Her eyes went to the crooked letters on the price list and she winced. It was more than she could afford; especially without a clue where she was going. Impulsivity had never been a problem for Lily, though.

“I’d like a small one please,” she said tentatively, not even sure how to phrase the request. She caught herself wishing for Sirius; he’d know for sure.

The second tattoo artist, a man with a pug–like face and beady eyes, snorted rudely. “Come back when you’re 18, girlie.”

Lily flushed but dug out her license and held it up defiantly. “Here you are.”

He strode toward her and yanked it out of her hand, peering closely as if it was a document containing state secrets. “Looks like everything’s in order,” he finally grumbled.

 “You can come this way.” A new voice made Lily break her glare at the pug–man and she looked up to meet a pair of rather nice brown eyes. _Not as nice as James’,_ she compared instantly before she could stop herself. The guy was about her age, slouched against the doorway to a room labeled “private.” He smiled invitingly and Lily glanced away.

“I’d rather have her do it, if you don’t mind.” She knew it really shouldn’t matter anymore, but James would have a jealous fit if a handsome(ish) man gave her a tattoo. Especially this particular tattoo. Plus, Lily didn’t really like any of the artwork except for the drawing above the woman’s station.

The lady’s eyes crinkled kindly from under dark, bushy eyebrows as she turned briefly from her customer. “Of course, I’m just finishing up. I’ll be right with you.”

Lily leaned her head against the wall, trying to relax. She closed her eyes to avoid the young guy’s curious gaze and before she knew it, drifted to sleep. Some time later she was shaken gently awake by the woman and led over to the chair.

She introduced herself as Padmil Patima and after a quick but probing conversation to make sure that Lily _really_ wanted this tattoo, Padmil asked where she wanted it.

“Right…” she cast about for a moment, her eyes falling on a movie poster featuring a couple in bed. “Here,” she decided, fingering the jarring ridges of scarred skin on her left shoulder.

Padmil gave her a long look when Lily pulled her shirt down to reveal the old wound, but didn’t press. “Do you know what you want?”

Lily knew. She had known ever since 5th year, if she was completely honest with herself.

_Breathe, Lils. Breathe._ Once again she heard his voice and briefly closed her eyes against the ache.

“I’d like a stag, please.”

 


	2. I Was Doing Just Fine

_4 Years Later…_

James Potter blinked blearily awake as the sock by his bedside began to glow and make a weird buzzing noise. His door burst open and loud shouts heralded the arrival of his boisterous and obscenely awake mates. The redhead beside him – what was her name, again? – sat straight up in horror and grabbed him round the waist.

“What time is it?” He grumbled, impatiently untangling himself from whats–her–name while patting around blindly for his glasses. Finally, he shook her off and stood up to grab his wand. “Accio glasses.”

“1 am, mate. Calm down.” Sirius shook his head despairingly. “You are the worst twenty–something ever.”

Remus thrust a jumper in James’ direction. “Come on.”

James jammed it over his head and pulled the rest of his clothes on, glancing briefly at the stunned form on the bed. “Listen, thanks for everything, um…”

“Stephanie, you asshole,” she supplied, pulling her own clothes on. “See you never.”

Three pairs of surprised eyes watched her as she marched out.

“Well that’s not normally how it happens,” James mumbled.

Sirius’ gaze was still where her ass had been. “Nice.”

Rolling his eyes at both of them, Remus stomped to the door. “Moving on! You got the signal, right?”

All traces of humor fell from James’ face. “Yeah I did, what’s the– “

“The attack was changed to tonight.” Sirius interrupted grimly. “Edinburgh, a muggle hotel. We need to go.”

_A Muggle Hotel in Edinburgh_

Lily wound her long red hair up into a ballerina bun on top of her head, cursing the manager for the thousandth time. _Would it kill him to turn the temperature down?_ While nice and professional–looking, her black trousers and low–cut long–sleeved shirt weren’t exactly conducive to cooling down, not to mention the long black apron that wrapped around her slim body.

Already crowded on a regular Friday night, the pub that was attached to the Roxburgh Hotel was bursting at the seams on the final night of the World Cup. The UK was playing Portugal and it was not going well for the home–team. One of the pub waitresses was on maternity leave and their wonderful manager had struck again by refusing to hire a temp while she was out. Lily didn’t even want to fathom the stacks and stacks of dirty dishes that would be waiting in the kitchen at the end of her shift.

It would be a good night for tips though, she reminded herself with a sigh. God knew she needed it what with her astronomical car payment coming up, not to mention rent and groceries. She was thankful beyond belief that her parents had forced her to maintain an existence in the Muggle world, making her escape from the magic one so much easier. They had taught her how to drive, taken her to get her license, helped her get a bank account, and made her do all those other tiresome tasks that would be so essential to her new life here. She’d really missed them, though, when she struggled with how to find a flat and even how to find a job. Thank god she’d run into that random tattoo shop and met Padmil, otherwise Lily had no clue what she would’ve done.

“It’s mad out there!” Padmil Patima, Lily’s best mate and coworker bustled busily around the corner. Little did either of them know that fateful day four years ago that they’d eventually become the closest thing they both had to family. Padmil had recently quit her terrible job at the tattoo shop and Lily got her hired on at the pub until she found a different, less awful tattoo shop to work at.

Lily dropped the mass of her hair and shook it behind her shoulders. “I know! I suppose break is over. I’d hoped it would calm down a bit before I got back out there.”

“Not a bit, love,” Padmil said sympathetically, her dark eyes kind. Then she brightened a little. “But, there are a few really cute guys out there. If I was into men myself, I’d totally go for it. You should take a look.” She waggled her eyebrows suggestively.

Not deigning to respond to yet another of her friend’s matchmaking attempts, Lily rolled her eyes. “Hmm. See you in a bit.”

It took just a few minutes for Lily to get back into her rhythm, listening, pouring, mixing, serving. It was actually a fairly challenging job when the pub got crazy like this, and the feeling of the crowd and the busyness gave her an energy she could never explain. Of course, she’d become an expert in turning down dates and throwing away phone numbers. Unfortunately, she’d also become a quick study in sizing someone up and determining whether they were a threat.

“Hand me the whisky, darling?” Charlie, the third bartender on tonight, slid past her to grab a glass and she tossed him the bottle. A few in the crowd clapped as he caught it and gave it a few flips before pouring. It was a little routine they’d come up with during a long and boring shift, after which they’d gotten drunk themselves and ended back up in Charlie’s apartment. They’d both admitted to it being a mistake and ended up as great friends, jokingly referring to themselves as failed lovers.

The game took another turn for the worse and the crowd became less happy–drunk and more angry–drunk. By that time, Padmil had come back on and the three of them glanced at each other warily as they sensed the change in atmosphere. Drinks were demanded instead of asked for, customers rudely shoved each other aside as they tried to find a spot at the bar, and the crowd only grew larger.

“Keep an eye on Mari,” Lily murmured to Charlie, knowing he could see over the crowd and, if needed, perform a quick rescue for their only waitress on the floor. Rowdy men tended to back down when faced with the wall of a man that was Charlie. The manager wouldn’t hire a bouncer as they rarely needed one, however the few times they did need one, they _really_ needed one.

Charlie glanced across the room and made a face. “I’ll be back. I need a martini for the gentlemen over there and a vodka tonic for his friend.”

As she made his drinks along with her own orders, Lily couldn’t shake the prickly feeling on the back of her neck. _Why do I feel like I’ve felt this before?_

She placed Charlie’s orders in front of the customers with a distracted smile, turning swiftly back to check someone out at the register. It wasn’t until she’d already finished when she suddenly froze. Padmil noticed the blood drain from Lily’s face and rushed over, abandoning her orders on the back of the bar.

“Lily? What’s–“

“Oh my god. Oh my god.”

Padmil followed her as she ran into the back and leaned hard against the wall. Lily grabbed her friend’s shoulders, fingers digging in harshly. “Tell me to get my shit together right now.”

“Honey you’re scaring me, just tell me–“

Abruptly, Lily dropped her hands and placed them on her hips, taking huge breaths with eyes screwed shut. “Breathe, Lils, breathe.”

Hearing her panic mantra, or sad mantra, or really any emotion mantra, Padmil’s concern only increased. “Lily,” she snapped, “get it together and tell me what the hell happened out there.”

She was relieved to see her friend’s eyes open, the shell–shocked look replaced with determination. “Go back out and look at the left end of the bar. Tell me if there are two men there, both with black hair. One is very fit, the other has a large hook–shaped nose. They’re wearing all black. _Don’t talk to them,”_ she added fiercely.

Lily waited as Padmil blessedly did what she asked and didn’t ask questions. “They’re still there. It looks like they’re looking for someone. Do you know them?”

 _Death–eaters, here, at my pub. Oh god._ Lily thought longingly of her wand, stolen from the boot of the car that night at the tattoo shop. She glanced wildly at the swinging doors toward the huge crowd of muggles that she wouldn’t be able to protect. _There might be more, I need to pull myself together._

“Don’t freak out, but those guys are really bad news. I knew them a long time ago and I’m a bit worried that they might attack someone, which I know sounds super weird but please believe me, it’s completely true,” she begged Padmil. “If they pull out a knobby, short, kind of stick, just get down as fast as you can and run as far as you can.”

“Lily, what the–”

“Promise me.” She gripped Padmil’s hands and willed her to understand how serious this was.

“I promise,” Padmil said reluctantly, “but you owe me a full explanation after this!”

They both went back out after Padmil agreed to tell Charlie and Mari only the part about running the hell away from here in case of a fight. Lily glanced to the end of the bar, hoping against hope that she was freaking out for nothing. Sure enough, however, there sat Regulus freaking Black and Severus freaking Snape, drinking like they hadn’t a care in the world.

 

_4 Years Ago, 2:30pm_

Lily glared at James as he sauntered out of the final exam like he hadn’t a care in the world. Twenty minutes later, she put her quill down with a satisfied sigh. Transfiguration had never come easy to her, but she thought she’d done pretty well on the written portion of the exam. Now the practical portion yesterday had been a whole different story, but she was just glad it was over. As she gathered her things and prepared to leave class at Hogwarts for the very last time, tears filled her eyes yet again. Her home for the last seven years was kicking her out, albeit with a lovely celebration.

She was surprised when Professor McGonagall pulled her aside as she came to the front to deliver her scroll.

“Miss Evans, I’ve just received word from Professor Dumbledore. You’re needed in his office.”

“Is everything alright?” Lily asked nervously. Those hooded eyes and that agitated, anxious air coming from McGonagall never portended good things.

“It had better come from him,” she murmured. “Just go, child.”

Lily was totally taken aback when her teacher swooped in for a quick hug. She’d always been one of McGonagall’s favorites but that had certainly never happened before. It only made her more nervous and as she climbed the stairs to the headmaster’s office after only four password attempts (it was ‘chocolate frogs’ this time), her mind raced with possibilities. As bad as her imaginings were, she didn’t get anywhere near the truth.

Fifteen minutes later Lily Evans descended those same stairs an utterly different person. Still in shock, snippets of Dumbledore’s grave voice played through her head.

_“Muggles targeted…”_

_“…large fire…”_

_“… no survivors.”_

Numbness spread through her. Her hands and feet felt strangely like rocks, like a world without her beloved parents was impossible to move through. She didn’t even know if she’d cried or screamed or… anything, really. _What now?_ Was all she could think. _What now?_

Lily dimly heard someone calling her name over and over again as she walked woodenly through the halls. It didn’t register who it was until his face appeared right in front of hers.

“Lily!” Peter, cute, oblivious Peter, took her arm. His round face was slightly anxious and she noticed vaguely that he was sweating an abnormal amount. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you!”

He took her silence as a cue to continue babbling, apparently, as he went on. “James wanted me to tell you–“

 _James._ She seized onto the thought of him like it was a lifeline.

Peter jumped as she stopped in her tracks and squeezed his arms. “I need James.”

He looked toward the castle doors uncertainly. “He told me to keep you up here. It’s about time for quidditch warm–up anyways.”

Lily’s heart sank as she remembered the big quidditch game. Of all the times! She couldn’t burden James with this now. Thinking quickly, she made up her mind.

“Peter, I need you to deliver a message for me. Something’s happened to my family and I need to go home. Dumbledore’s going to take me right now.”

Sympathy filled his expression, as well as another thing she couldn’t identify. “Oh no, I’m so sorry–“

“Tell James good luck, I’m with him in spirit and I love him,” Lily interrupted. She couldn’t take his sad eyes just now; she had to keep it together. “Tell him to meet me at the playground by my house after the game. Dumbledore will let him apparate from Hogsmeade.”

As she watched his retreating figure, it was all she could do not to run past him down the hill to James. She knew he’d be her strength and keep her going, but right now she needed to be strong and give him this final game. One word about all this and she was fairly sure he’d skip it, although sometimes she wondered if he loved quidditch more than her, Lily reflected with a barely–there smile.

An hour later, as the quidditch game began and as Dumbledore apparated away, all traces of expression were gone from Lily’s face. She had assured the headmaster that she’d be fine by herself, that her sister would be here any minute, but she was sorely regretting it. The burned–out smoldering mess that was all that remained of her childhood home wasn’t _fine_. The unrecognizable bodies carried out on stretchers by pity–filled healers weren’t _fine_. The Dark Mark, proud and stark against the incongruously bright blue sky wasn’t _fine_. The team of aurors still searching the remains for evidence wasn’t _fine_.

She flinched as a red sports car screeched to a stop outside the still–standing gate. Petunia folded her bony legs out and darted toward her sister while screaming incoherently. Lily held out her hands, halfway between opening for a hug and fending her sister off. The latter became necessary as Petunia began to slap, scratch, and pinch her anywhere available. Lily stood there taking it, numbly listening to her only remaining family demean her in every way possible.

“You killed them, Lily Evans! This is your fault, you freak! You brought this on us!”

Finally Lily could bear no more and she sank to the ground. The aurors, who had been hesitant to get involved, rushed forward.

“You need to leave, ma’am.” One of them told Petunia firmly as he restrained her. “This is an active crime scene.”

“Those are my parents!”

Time seemed to warp and bend as Lily vaguely noted the aurors modifying Petunia’s memory before making her leave, the healers loading her parent’s bodies into an unmarked van (they couldn’t very well fly the stretcher through the streets, could they?), and the neighbors retreating into their houses as the sun set. Still, she stood there, arms clutching herself tightly, knees locked.

Finally she walked slowly to the park a few blocks away. It was the same park where she’d befriended Severus as a child and the same one where she’d rejected his apologies for the final time last year. Lily lowered herself stiffly onto a swing, grateful for the silence until she heard a noise behind her.

“James,” she whispered, beginning to unravel already, before she saw who was standing at the edge of the grass.

His face could only be described as tortured, such was the mix of longing, fear, and conflict there. He hadn’t bothered to change out of his wizarding robes and the inky black dress robes, so different than his Hogwarts uniform, looked quite out of place in the muggle playground. She wondered sarcastically if Voldemort required all his followers to wear their Sunday best.

“I know you don’t want to see me–” Severus Snape spoke to her for the first time in two months.

“Go away, Sev.”

“I need to warn you–”

“Go _away!_ You’re a few hours too late.” She gestured brokenly to the smoke hovering around the Dark Mark over her house. “This is what you’ve joined, Sev. This is the choice you’ve made.”

He didn’t respond, couldn’t even look her in the eye, and this annoyed her more than anything. “Damn it, Sev! He’s killed my parents. My _parents_! They didn’t have anything to do with this!”

A noise came from the direction of her house, and he began to look panicked. “Lily, go back to Hogwarts immediately. You’re in danger.”

Lily rolled her eyes. Same old, same old, always worried about her but not about what his deranged friends might be up to. “Sev–”

“I have to go.” He stepped forward, reaching out his hand awkwardly and withdrawing it right away as Lily ducked to avoid his touch.

“Just leave me alone.”

He tensed as another bang sounded in the distance, looking anxiously between her and the direction of the house. Finally he realized there was nothing he could do and his expression shuttered. “I did what I could,” he muttered. As he apparated away Lily was left alone in the cold with nothing but her grief.

 


	3. Four Years, No Calls

_Present Day_

James followed Sirius and Remus into the muggle pub after apparating almost on top of a maroon Range Rover parked haphazardly in the back alley. The pub was a pretty snooty place, attached to a fancy hotel right off High Street. Dark wood paneling with brass fixtures and dim lighting made the place feel a bit out of time. The clientele were mostly business people, it looked like, with a few well–dressed couples having a night out. It was the type of place his parents might go for a quiet drink or three, which was why he was surprised at how loud and restless the place seemed. Maybe it got this way all the time; the two bartenders he saw were certainly handling it with no problem. He scanned the crowd for any familiar faces, glad that he’d thought to wear street clothes. Sirius was wearing his typical leather jacket and Remus blended in seamlessly as well.

“What do you think Pete’s doing tonight?” he wondered as they made their way slowly through the crowd.

Sirius snorted derisively. “Who knows. Probably drunk out of his mind on a Friday night. You remember how he was at parties.”

Peter had been the fourth member of their infamous group at Hogwarts. The three of them often wondered how a Marauder could just abandon the war and run away to hide. Even Remus, who everyday dealt with the prejudice that came with being a werewolf in the wizarding world, was fighting against the forces that threatened to ruin that world forever.

“It feels weird in here,” Remus commented. The other two nodded grimly in agreement, redoubling their efforts to find anyone suspicious.

“Maybe if I act like an ass I can hop on one of the barstools and see from there,” James suggested. A fair bit later they finally reached their destination. James began to weave about and protest the game loudly, acting the part. He caught the eye of a Middle–Eastern looking bartender. “Gimme a vod– Nevermind.”

Abruptly turning around, James shoved people aside and fought his way through the crowd once again.

“What the fuck?” Sirius asked as he followed him out the door, indignantly straightening his jacket.

“I saw her too,” Remus said softly as he watched the waves of emotions pass over James’ face. Stunned, elated, angry, and back to stunned.

“ _What?”_ demanded Sirius. “Who did you see? Belatrix?”

“I don’t– I saw– I can’t–“ James took a breath before saying the name that he hadn’t spoken in the four years since she’d disappeared. “ _Lily.”_

 

_Four Years Ago, 6:30am_

James woke with a grin as he remembered three very important things: 1. Today was their last day at Hogwarts. 2. It was the final quidditch match of the year against Slytherin. And lastly, and most importantly, 3. Today was the day he was going to ask Lily Evans to marry him. Of course, he was always waking up with a grin these days because Lily had finally realized it was stupid to sneak back to the head girl’s room every night when she could just stay in his. He ran his fingers through her hair and she snuggled deeper into his right side. A morning person she was not.

“Lils,” he whispered, daring to risk her infamous morning temper in honor of their last day at school. “Lils.”

She moaned and attempted to burrow deeper into his side. “Noooo.”

“I have to get up for practice.” He carefully extracted his arm from under her head and kissed the top of it.

“So, get up then,” she mumbled grumpily, face in the pillow. “It’s what you do every–“ Lily’s eyes suddenly flew open as she realized what today was and her face melted with emotion. “It’s our last day at Hogwarts. Oh my god.”

She rolled off the bed and flung herself at James, who was in the midst of pulling a jumper on for the chilly morning. They tumbled toward the wall before he got his balance and held her as she put all her weight on him. It had been such a shock to realize how physically affectionate she was when they had first started dating. Perhaps because it had turned from a strong dislike (on her part) to love so quickly, he had actually flinched the first time she hugged him. James quickly got used to it and despite not growing up in a “huggy” family had wholeheartedly accepted her constant need for physical affection. She was passionate about the people and things she loved, and when that had eventually included him, James wanted to shout it to the rooftops.

“I just can’t believe that today’s it.”

He rested his chin on top of her head and hugged her tighter, already feeling the waterworks coming on. Sure enough, her shoulders began to shake and James held her for a few more minutes before reluctantly pulling away. “I have to go. Breathe, Lils, breathe.”

She took in a few shuddering breathes and he watched her literally pull herself together in front of him. Finally, she sighed and gave him a watery smile as James hurried to pull the rest of his clothes on. “Sorry, it’s just so sad! Ahh! Ok, go to practice. Good luck, have fun and all that,” she ordered with a distracted kiss. “I need to find all my stuff in here…”

Lily was already looking around, mind on the day ahead, and James knew she’d be fine. “Alright. I’ll see you later,” he said as grabbed her for another kiss. She twisted her hands in his hair as it got a little out of hand before he let her go and she fell back onto the bed. “I love you.”

This was his favorite sight in the world; her on his bed, breathless from a kiss or other activities, looking at him like he could rule the world.

“I– I love you too.” That was another one of his favorite things, the way he could make her stutter and blush with a good kiss.

He winked at her and strode out, fingers skimming over the velvet box deep in his pocket. It was going to be a good day for James Potter.

 

_Present Day…_

The pub still hummed with that strange energy that Lily now knew the source of. As she took orders and tried to avoid looking toward the end of the bar, she scanned the crowd for anyone else she recognized. _Why would death–eaters come to a muggle bar?_ The atmosphere was growing thicker by the minute and she was so tense that she screamed a little when Charlie put his hand on her shoulder as she was pulling glasses from the back room.

“Do you need to leave early?” He glanced toward the swinging doors that led out to the bar. “Do those guys need to leave early?”

Visions of what could happen to Charlie flying through her mind, Lily shook her head violently. “ _No._ Just leave them alone and hope they leave.”

“Who are they?”

Lily silently cursed herself for making a big deal out of this; Charlie was like a dog with a bone when it came to anything about her past. “Just some guys I used to know. Drop it, ok?”

Her voice was sharper than she had intended, and she immediately felt bad when Charlie’s eyes widened. “Wow, touchy subject. Ok then.”

They went back to work in a now even more tense silence. Lily’s reticence about her past was the only thing they ever fought about. She just… couldn’t _think_ about the wizarding world, much less talk about anything having to do with it. Naturally she wouldn’t ever break the Statute of Secrecy, but she thought someday she might talk a bit about her friends at Hogwarts. However, four years had passed without a word. There was something about saying things out loud that was too final, too heart–wrenching. Lily had left a large chunk of herself behind when she’d driven the tiny yellow car away that day, and to say it out loud would be to lose it forever.

A tiny sigh escaped her and she rubbed a hand over her face. Of all the nights for Sev and Regulus to show up, they would of course pick a crowded one and leave her much less time to deal with them. As the night wore on, Lily found it harder and harder not to keep looking at them. Surely, they must have recognized her when she served their drinks. They didn’t give any indication of such, however, and nursed their drinks while deep in conversation. Sev hadn’t changed a bit except for growing taller. Lily shook her head as he kept shoving his long, stringy hair impatiently out of his face. Some things never changed. Regulus, on the other hand, had grown into a carbon copy of his older brother. His muscular frame and handsome face were getting quite a bit attention from the women around them, not that he seemed to notice. Lily made a face as she realized abruptly that he would never be interested in a Muggle woman. As much as she loved and missed the wizarding world, it wasn’t pleasant to remember the prejudices and hatred that came with it.

Lily glanced up at the time and rolled her shoulders when she saw that it was still early in the night. It was going to be a long shift, and she needed to stay alert.

 

God, she was beautiful. James couldn’t keep his eyes off Lily as she worked busily behind the bar, green eyes dancing and red hair shining. Four years hadn’t dimmed the unique light that was Lily Evans, that was for damn sure.

“Stop staring, it’s creepy.” Remus said, settling onto a stool at the tall table they’d managed to swipe.

“Oy, excuse me miss.” Sirius called the waitress over, eyeing her name tag. “Mari?”

Her businesslike glance didn’t change as the statuesque blonde looked them over, something the ladies–man Sirius was completely unused to. “Can I help you?”

“Yeah we’ll take some chips and ale. And,” he continued, leaning in with his most charming smile, “can you tell us the name of the redhead behind the bar? We think we might be old… coworkers.”

Mari’s expression completely shut down and she sighed tiredly. “You’ll have to ask her that yourself, mate. I’ll be back with your food.”

They looked at each other speculatively as she stalked away. “Protective, eh?” Sirius observed. “Evans seems to inspire loyalty wherever she goes.”

“You know how she was.” Remus’ voice was quiet as he and Sirius watched James. “Everyone wanted to be friends with Lily.”

“Turn around,” James hissed as the waitress went right to Lily and pointed back at their table. Luckily she was distracted as another customer called her name and they ducked before she could look in their direction.

The three of them watched her in silence for the next few minutes. Remus wanted to see how James was going to react before he put his two pence in. Sirius was seething on behalf of his best friend, a low growl coming from him as Lily and the male bartender did some kind of cutesy trick and laughed together.

James found himself cursing his luck. Naturally he would run into Lily during a mission for the Order with his best mates in tow. It was one thing to find your ex miserable and unattractive at some horrible job. It was quite another, however, to find this gorgeous woman doing something she was clearly great at and having fun while doing it. He’d never pictured her as a bartender, but with her easy–going personality that just said ‘talk to me,’ he could see it being a great gig for her.

He groaned and put his head in his hands as Lily flipped her hair and grinned at one of the customers. “Fuuuuuck.”

His need for her was like a physical ache that hadn’t ever truly gone away. He’d gotten to the point where he didn’t think of her too often, just in particularly life–threatening moments on missions or other high–emotion situations. The absolute worst was when she’d pop into his head during sex, making some sardonic and hilarious comment about whatever girl he was with. It had very nearly gotten him kicked out of bed a few times when he couldn’t keep the laugh in.

Despite this need, or perhaps because of it, James held onto a lot of anger at Lily. This girl that he’d loved for so long, been so _sure_ of, who he’d actually asked to marry him (although she hadn’t been there to see it) had simply disappeared without a word. He’d known she hadn’t died; Voldemort would have gleefully taken credit for yet another muggle killing. He certainly took credit for her parents, who James later found out had been horribly – _horribly –_ tortured to death. The fury, longing, and confusion welled up in an overwhelming wave of emotion. He itched to throw something at someone, the most likely candidate being Lily’s tall, dark, and handsome co–worker.

Mari chose that moment to come back with the drinks, eyeing the trio doubtfully. “She said she didn’t know you gents, sorry.”

Remus smiled reassuringly. “No problem, we were probably wrong anyways. Thanks.”

Mari turned to go, then hesitated and looked back. “Hey if you really are old mates with her, you should say something. She seems really stressed tonight. Maybe seeing you would help.” She bit her lip and hurried off as someone called her name.

“Stressed? Think it has anything to do with why we came here tonight?” Sirius mused.

Now that he’d gotten over the initial shock of seeing her again, James could see it immediately. Her shoulders were tense, her movements not as graceful as he knew she was. What he’d taken for sparkling eyes were actually somewhat manic as they darted from customer to customer. The other two bartenders were tense as well, although not as much as Lily. They kept looking at each other and looking toward her. What had she told them? What had her so worked up?

“James.” Remus nodded toward the bar in a silent suggestion.

He slammed back his drink and shot to his feet. It was time to get this over with.


	4. I Can't Stop

_Four Years Ago, 2:15pm_

James slammed down the quill for his _final_ final exam and barely kept himself from crowing in victory. Freedom, and his final quidditch match were just around the corner! He couldn’t contain his excitement as he placed the scroll in front of Professor McGonagall with a wink and strolled down the row of desks. Lily, still hard at work on her least–favorite subject, caught his eye and rolled her own. He grinned as he felt the small velvet box in his pocket for the billionth time that day. Normally he’d wait for her after class but he had to hurry and set things up for the proposal before the match started. He and the rest of the gang had come up with a brilliant plan involving their final quidditch victory (he refused to think of anything else), fireworks, and loads and loads of flowers.

Marlene met him in the hall, her dark curls bouncing as she practically ran toward him. She and Lily had been best friends since first year, their opposite personalities notwithstanding. Her edginess and Lily’s girl–next–door personality somehow fit together perfectly and the two were inseparable. It was Marlene who’d suggested the flower thing and had helped him gather supplies. Today she’d be charming the lilies, roses, and dahlias (Lily liked variety) to race out of the boxes and onto the field to form the big question.

“Did Sirius–”

“The flowers are beneath the stands, Marls.” James assured her with a laugh. “I think you’re more nervous about this whole thing than I am.”

She rolled her eyes. “You can’t blame me for making sure that idiot didn’t mess anything up. And my name is _Marlene._ ”

“Speaking of that idiot,” James called with a wave as Sirius joined them on the path to the quidditch pitch.

Looking quite affronted, Sirius straightened his robes. “What a rude thing to say to the guy who just carried _ten boxes_ of bloody flowers to the pitch for you!”

“I don’t think your pampered little hands carried a thing, Sirius Black.” Marlene cut in condescendingly.

“Oh, Marlene,” he smirked. “Someday you may find out that nothing about me is little.”

James was surprised to see her normally pale cheeks redden. She’d never reacted to Sirius’ flirting before.

“Um– hello, guys? This is only the most important day of my life! Pay attention here!” He reminded the pair, trying not to notice as they avoided each other’s eyes. Today was _not the day_ to get involved in some kind of drama.

It took them about an hour to charm all of the flowers, the work finishing quickly once Remus came along to help. Peter was busy distracting Lily. She had a habit of coming down to the pitch on game days before the warm–up started to wish him luck. Normally he loved it, but today she had to come to the game at just the right moment.

Whatever Pete was doing worked very well, as the time came for team warm–ups and she hadn’t come down yet. He scanned the hill leading up to the castle one last time before turning to his team, which was assembled in a long line in front of him. The two other seventh–years faced the rest of the team with him. James let Charles and Sam say their farewells first, getting a bit emotional as he looked over the people he’d trained with, fought with, and won with this year.

“Ladies and gents, it’s been a good year,” James began after Sam finished up. “We all played hard and put our very best onto that field, and our eleven wins show it. I’m honored to have been your captain. We’ve won the final three years in a row now and I know we’ll win it again today. Don’t mess it up when I’m gone, eh?”

“We’ll miss you next year, mate.” Gabe Bastion, one of the best beaters on the team, said.

“Thanks for everything, captain!” Someone else piped up.

As one, the team flew forward and engulfed James in a mass of hugs and well–wishes. He let himself enjoy the farewells but kept an eye on the time. They still had a game to win, after all.

A few minutes later, he extracted himself from a particularly clingy third–year and shouted, “Right, get out the bludgers and start passing!”

Warm–up sped by and before he knew it, they were flying out onto the field amidst screams of “Go Gryffindor!”

Remus gave him a thumbs–up from his place by the flower boxes to let him know that everything was in place. James zoomed around the pitch to Lily’s typical spot in the stands to get his customary pre–game kiss. As he got closer he could see Marlene, Peter, Sirius, and the rest of them cheering like mad while waving blinking signs and all sorts of Gryffindor paraphernalia. What he didn’t see was his girlfriend. He circled back, scanning the rest of the section but still couldn’t find her.

“Where’s Lily?” He mouthed to Peter, but he only got an oblivious fist–pump in response.

He jerked his broomstick back toward the field as the game began, mentally assuring himself that she’d be there soon. Lily would never miss the most important game of the year.

 

_Present Day_

Lily massaged the back of her neck, trying to get some of the horrible tension out of her body. She soon gave up as she realized that she wasn’t only responding to the atmosphere in the bar. Not only were the two death–eaters still there, England was _still_ losing and the patrons were not happy about it. The drinks were flowing faster, the tips were flowing slower, and the demands were getting louder and angrier. Some random assholes in the crowd claiming to be old co–workers of hers didn’t help either.

“If that guy calls me his ‘mate’ one more time, I’m going to kick his ass,” Charlie groused as he reached around Lily to grab a stack of napkins from the small stockroom behind the bar.

She gave his arm a sympathetic squeeze. “I know, it seems like everyone’s being awful tonight. Don’t we both have tomorrow off? Let’s go–”

“Lily?” They both turned at the interruption, and it seemed like time slowed down and sped up all at once.

_He hasn’t changed,_ she thought, stunned, eyes raking over his messy black hair, wire–rimmed glasses, and lean frame. No, she decided, there was definitely more muscle under that Puddlemere United tee. She’d forgotten just how _tall_ he was, though. And (of course) stunningly handsome. Lily drank the sight of him in for a few more seconds, wondering if she could just freeze time right here in this moment.

“ _James,”_ she whispered, totally at a loss, berating herself for not planning this better on the off–chance that she’d ever see him again. She didn’t miss the slight flinch as she said his name, nor the haunted look in his eyes that hadn’t been there in their Hogwarts days.

Charlie’s hand tightened on her shoulder, jerking her back to the present and reminding her what was at stake. Glancing nervously toward the stockroom door, she clenched her hands. Her chest felt concave as the man she’d never stopped loving stood within reach, and instead of being blissfully happy she was terrified.

A sudden realization hit her. “Oh god, it was you that asked about me wasn’t it? Did you–”

“You need to leave, Evans,” he interrupted forcefully, an awful iciness she’d never seen directed at her before descending over his face.

Lily winced, knowing she deserved this, yet her fear for his safety refused to let her be cowed. “No James, _you_ need to leave. As I was saying before you interrupted me, Sev and Reg are out there.”

He seemed to swell in anger, his face getting the red tinge she recognized so well. He certainly hadn’t been this imposing at Hogwarts, however. “Associating with Death Eaters now, are you?”

Her view was partially blocked as Charlie stepped in front of her. “Excuse me, you don’t talk to her like that, buddy. How’d you get in here, anyways?”

“No, no!” She put a hand on James’ arm as he reached for his wand and they both froze before she snatched it back like she’d been burned.

Eyes darting between her and Charlie, James stepped back, the look on his face somehow even more awful than before. “Fine,” he muttered. “Both of you, go.”

_It’s been four years,_ she reminded herself as she felt the strong urge to assure him that she and Charlie weren’t an item. She shook her head at how pathetic she was.

“ _James_ ,” Lily pressed her lips together and breathed through her nose. God, he was _still_ infuriating. “You need to listen to me. I don’t know what’s going on, but _—_ ”

“No, you don’t know what’s going on, do you?” A muscle leapt in his jaw as he jerked his arm away and took a step back. “This is where you’ve been hiding? All this time?”

Lily knew he was confused, knew he was hurting, but his jab still staggered her. Her concave chest filled with something unbearably suffocating. “I don’t, I can’t _—_ ” she pleaded incoherently.

He looked around derisively and, to her horror, actually laughed in disbelief. “Bartending? While we’re… we’re dying out there, Lily. How could you do this?”

It was her turn to flinch as he spat out her name like it was the most disgusting thing he’d ever tasted. She fought past the pain to protest, “This is not the time _—_ "

“Emmeline died,” he said meanly, bluntly. “And you were here?”

She heard Charlie mutter, “What the fuck?” as the ground fell out from under her. Lily sucked in sharply and felt her composure disappear as her chest filled with impossible pain. “Don’t do this to me, James.”

He let out a half–breath, shaking his head. “Do what? Interrupt your safe little life? Remind you that you fucking _ran away?_ ”

“Emmeline?” was all she could get out as the weight that had hung over her twenty–four hours a day, seven days a week for four long years finally came crashing down. Pain was etched into every line of her body and she hugged herself as Charlie put a protective arm around her.

“Listen mate, I don’t know what is going on, but you can’t just come and attack her at her workplace. I’m calling the police if you don’t leave right now.”

“I would like nothing better than to fucking leave, but I fucking can’t.” His still–furious eyes shifted to Lily. “What does he know?”

She glanced down at the chipped tiles before looking at Charlie apologetically. “Nothing.”

“We need to get these Muggles out of here, and then _—_ "

“Wait, these what? And what do I not know?” Charlie interrupted, looking between the two of them. “Are you involved in a gang?”

Great, just what she needed, one of her best friends thinking she was in a gang. That horrible feeling of imminent disaster was getting stronger. Lily gripped his hand desperately, willing him to understand.

“Charlie, I’m not. I promise, I’m not. Just get Padmil and go. I’ll be fine, I just need to take care of this.”

As Charlie opened his mouth to argue, they were interrupted once again.

“James Potter.”

Lily and James tensed and snapped their heads toward the sneering, drawling voice.

“Regulus,” James greeted, hand resting casually on his wand.

The younger version of Sirius strode toward them, the same arrogant smirk on his face. “Where’s my brother today? It’s quite refreshing to see you’re not magically attached at the hip.”

“Sorry to disappoint, brother dearest.” Sirius squeezed into the now–tiny room, hand also on his wand as he smiled with utterly fake sweetness. Lily was disheartened to see that nothing had changed between them since their different Hogwarts houses had set them on very different paths.

Lily took the opportunity to push Charlie toward the door. “Get everyone out of here,” she hissed. “ _Promise me.”_ He looked at the three tense men and nodded reluctantly. Lily let out a breath as he left, one less thing to worry about.

“Good thing I came to see what was taking you so long,” Sirius muttered to James as he leaned against the back shelf next to him. He nodded neutrally toward Lily. “Been a while.”

“Hey, Sirius,” she replied, her voice small. His bad–boy, magazine–worthy hotness hadn’t diminished since their school days. His jet–black hair hung just above the collar of a leather jacket and the silver piercing drew attention to lips that had seduced many of the girls in their year, not to mention those above them. There was more of a darkness about him, just as there was about James, a look in his eye that begged for a fight.

“What a nice little reunion,” Regulus cut in. “Well done following orders, Lily.”

She stiffened as James and Sirius whipped around to face her, matching expressions of disgust and betrayal on their faces. “I would _never,_ ” Lily hissed, beyond furious at them for even suspecting she’d be capable of… that.

“Then why?” The hurt in James’ voice was so palpable, so raw, that she flinched. “Why’d you leave?”

“You didn’t know me _at all_ if you think I’d even _think_ about working with them, James Potter,” she fired back, glancing toward the door. “More to the point, is this really important right now?”

James had no time to respond before yet another person crowded into the stockroom.

“What is taking so long, Black?”

This was the moment that Lily had been dreading since she first realized the pair of death–eaters were in her pub. “Severus,” she said evenly, looking him in the eye.

His cold, slightly annoyed expression didn’t change as he ignored her greeting completely, eyes sweeping impatiently over the group before coming to a stop on James. “Potter,” he sneered, “I might have known you’d be here.”

Regulus rolled his eyes. “You always were too involved with these blood–traitors, Snape.”

“Says the man whose brother is one!” Sirius pointed out incredulously.

Ignoring that, he motioned to the door and continued mockingly, “Ahh, here comes the werewolf. Now the whole gang’s here. Two blood–traitors, a werewolf, and a mudblood whore.”

Two wands whipped out but it was Lily who swung, intending to wipe the horrible smile right off that smug face.

“ _Reducto!_ ”

The curse whizzed toward her as Lily dived to the left, but not before James yelled, “ _Protego!_ ” She straightened up somewhat sheepishly as the spell bounced off the shield.

James put an over–dramatic hand to his heart, smirking down at her. “So little faith in me, Evans. I’m devastated.”

Luckily Regulus hadn’t attacked again, because just like that Lily was paralyzed with memories and regrets. Four years ago, she’d have teased him right back. Four years ago, they’d have gone back and forth before one of them grew tired of arguing and ended it with a kiss. Four year ago… she’d left him. The smirk slid from his face and as they stared at each other it was all Lily could do not to cry.

“Oh, how cute.” Regulus gave one of his strange little giggles. “The blood traitor and the mudblood are having a moment.”

This was the last straw, and curses began flying through the air. Lily dodged spells on her way to the door, giving a silent cheer as the fire alarm began blaring. _Good one, Charlie._ She only hoped he’d gotten himself and Padmil out.

Any hopes of containing the incident died a few seconds later as someone in main pub screamed “ _attack!”_ and all hell broke loose.

 

_4 Years Ago, 7:05pm_

The cold began to seep through Lily’s thick sweater and she finally made her way back to the house. She didn’t know what to think about James not showing up. He hadn’t ever let her down since they’d been dating; not seriously anyway. She knew Pete would have delivered the message as soon as he could after the game. Her steps faltered as she realized that she had more unwanted visitors. She squared her shoulders, breath catching as five death–eaters stalked toward her in an ominous line. Their white, conical masks promised nothing but death and for a brief moment she welcomed it.

_Breathe Lils, breathe._

Shaking off the macabre thoughts, Lily tightened her grip on her wand. She was proud that her voice didn’t waver when she asked, “What do you want?”

One of them broke away and glided ahead of the others, zooming toward her in what she supposed was an effort to unnerve her. It worked, although she hoped they didn’t see it.

“Poor little orphan girl,” the front one taunted.

“Regulus!” she shouted, fists clenched. “Take off that ridiculous mask and face me!”

He gave a high–pitched giggle and flicked his wand. “Expelliarmus.”

“Protego!” Her shield easily fended off the charm.

The looming figures glided closer and surrounded her. Wand raised, Lily bounced on the balls of her feet, shifting left and right as they’d practiced in Defense Against the Dark Arts. Dumbledore had already approached her and James about the Order, but she hadn’t imagined that her first battle would be this soon.

“Give it up, Lily.” White–hot anger filled her at Regulus’ lazy, mocking tone. “You know you can’t escape. Your parents certainly didn’t.”

There was a movement behind Regulus, a flash of dark and a wisp of smoke. Suddenly, Lily was on the ground. She saw the same lawn she was standing on, but the house was untouched. Utterly confused, she looked to the carport as it raised and her parent’s station wagon pulled in. The backseat was filled with groceries and they were laughing together. Lily saw the red dress her mother was wearing and before she’d fully processed the sight, she was sprinting across the lawn.

“Mum, dad!”

They ignored her as they leisurely got out of the car and opened the back to gather the paper sacks. She reached out to grab her mom’s arm, a sob escaping her as her hand went right through.

“Don’t go in there, don’t go in,” she begged as her parents walked happily toward their deaths.

It was her mum they’d grabbed first, then her dad as he rushed in after hearing his wife’s scream. It only took a few death–eaters to hold them down as another one tortured them, calling them names they didn’t even understand. Lily had always been careful to keep them out of the more dangerous aspects of the wizarding world, not that it mattered anymore. She sank into a miserable ball, face in her hands. Petunia was right; this was her fault.

“Poor, poor muggles.” Lily lifted her tear–stained face and looked into the soulless black eyes of Voldemort.

“You did this!” she rushed at him, only to be hurled back against the sink with a tiny flick of his wand. Sliding to the floor, she closed her eyes and hated herself for being so weak.

“ _Look._ ” Voldemort did some charm and her body betrayed her as she got up and stood next to her parents’ tormentor. Her eyes refused to close or look away, her feet refused to run and she was forced to listen as her parents alternately begged for mercy and screamed for help. It seemed like hours later when the deatheater finally raised his wand and uttered the killing curse. Lily’s mind formed a snapshot of the scene to torture her later; the green–filled room, the glassy eyes, the spilled groceries, the paisley–print curtains flapping wildly from the force of the spell. Her head spun and she was suddenly on the lawn again, surrounded now by six looming figures.

She groped the grass blindly looking for her wand, heart sinking as one of the brutes waved it in the air.

“What do you want?” Lily gasped, the pain, both physical and emotional, tearing a gaping hole in her chest. She didn’t bother getting up; she knew what was coming.

Voldemort glided closer, black robes mere inches from her upturned face. A cold hand reached out in a disgusting caress. Lily jerked her face back and the sick feeling in her stomach turned from emotion–based to physical. She lurched forward, the remnants of breakfast pouring onto Voldemort’s shoes. Lily’s gasping breaths were the only sound for a moment, until she purposefully spit the rest onto the only remaining clean spot. Still terrified, she felt marginally braver in the face of this monumental villain with barf all over his shoes. Wiping her face, she got unsteadily to her feet.

The Death Eaters shifted and muttered angrily as they waited for their master to unleash them. To Lily’s shock, he began to laugh.

“Such spirit, for a mudblood.” He snapped toward one of the Death Eaters. “Clean my shoes, Black.”

“Snap snap, slave,” Lily taunted the younger brother of James’ best friend as he rushed forward to follow the command. “Good thing Sirius left. He’d never clean shoes for a living.”

A snarl was her only answer. Voldemort chuckled. “This amuses me. We might have a spot for a mudblood like you in the new order of things, Lily Evans. Especially if you can get your friend Potter to join as well.”

Lily recoiled, his pale face going in and out of focus for a second. “You killed my parents to get me to join you?”

He shook his head. “I killed the muggles because I _wanted to._ You have a certain… spirit that many of my followers lack.” Voldemort’s pasty white features twisted in sudden impatience. “Enough of this! I have things to attend to elsewhere. What will it be, Lily Evans? Join us, or die?”

Lily blinked, head momentarily filling with white noise. Never in her most horrific imaginings had she ever thought Voldemort would offer her a place in his bloody regime. Cursing her lack of a wand, she finally felt it: the fury that she needed, the pity and disgust that would take her through what were surely her final moments. All of the things she could say at this moment crowded together in her mind.

She decided to go with simple. “Fuck off,” she said, her tone careless like he was some minor nuisance. Lily’s green eyes never left his black ones as a flash of fury lit his face and he raised his wand, the killing curse already on his lips.


	5. Backseat of your Rover

_Present Day…_

Cursing her lack of a wand, Lily ducked behind the bar and tried to decide how to help. Regulus and Severus had run out to join the fray with Remus and Sirius close behind. James had given her strict orders to _stay here_ , but she promptly ignored him. The pub was filling with people in black robes and white masks. It was mass chaos; people, belongings, food, and drinks being thrown through the air. The noise was indescribable as the panicked mass all charged toward the exits, only to be blocked by the Death Eaters pouring in.

Lily blinked in the sudden darkness as someone hit the lights. The flashing emergency lights didn’t help her eyes adjust, and the scene felt surreal. A muggle woman fell just in front of her, near the bar side entrance, jarring her to reality. Lily grabbed her arms and pulled her back into the relative safety of the bar. Remus saw what she was doing and put up a quick shield for her as she went back for someone else.

She was able to get a few more people to safety before she was yanked brutally up by her hair. Her elbow went back automatically, getting the attacker in their stomach. She took advantage of his distraction by turning and kneeing him between the legs. As she tried to rip off the horrible mask to get at his eyes, another one came up behind her, bending her arms back painfully. She was thrown to the side and screamed for all she was worth before her head was slammed forward onto the bar. Lily screamed for James before slipping out of consciousness.

 

James felt his entire being freeze as he heard Lily screaming his name.

“Over there!” Remus called, nodding his head to the left as he dueled with a Death Eater.

James glanced over just in time to see someone smashing Lily’s– _his Lily’s_ – head to the bar once, twice, three times before her screaming stopped. His vision narrowed and suddenly it was the sole purpose of his life to get across that room. James felt a focus like he never had before as he fired curses to the left and right, making his way slowly but surely through the body-ridden pub. Sirius fought next to him, trying just as hard to get to Lily. She’d been all of theirs, at one time.

The Death Eater who had her was dragging her out into the back alley via the emergency exit. James and Sirius glanced at one another, then fired a stunning curse at him with a simultaneous roar. The black-robed figure ducked left to avoid them, dropping Lily in the process. He realized his mistake and turned, seemingly hesitant to leave her. One look at James’ and Sirius’ faces made him scramble back, wand aloft. Sirius completely disregarded it and charged forward with a feral growl. He ripped the mask off and took a step back as he realized who it was. Hate-filled eyes glowered at them and Sirius raised his fist again. Before he could bring it smashing down, a curse whizzed past him and Snape was out instantly.

Sirius tossed a frown at James before kicking Snape for good measure, muttering, “That was for Lily, asshole.”

James lifted the still-unconscious Lily up and nodded to Remus, who joined them as they retreated into the back alley. “Thanks for the help there Moony,” he joked, coaxing an exhausted smile from his friend. “Maybe next time– “

Panicked shouts from the street interrupted him and Sirius raced to the mouth of the alley to see what was happening. “They called in reinforcements,” he informed the other two grimly. “Marching down the street like bloody machines, curses going everywhere. They’re going to be here any minute.”

“We need to go. We’ll just get slaughtered in there.” James said grimly. Lily stirred in his arms and he carefully set her down as she regained consciousness.

“What– what happened?” She touched her head and winced at the amount of blood on her fingers.

They quickly filled her in and, realizing where she was, she shrugged completely out of James’ arms. “We need to go back–”

James immediately replaced his arm around her as she swayed heavily and leaned into him again. She breathed through her nose, obviously trying not to puke. “You can’t go anywhere, Lils. You have a head injury.”

He knew she was in a lot of pain when she didn’t even attempt to argue or comment on his use of her nickname. “Do you have reinforcements coming? We can’t leave all those people to their deaths!” Fuck, he’d forgotten how stubborn she was.

James nodded at his mates. “You go back and get a team. We’ll wait it out here. She can’t side-along with an injury like that–”

“ _And_ maybe we can help anyone who escaped the pub,” she interrupted forcefully. “I won’t just sit here–”

A nearby explosion made them all jump. Remus and Sirius apparated without another word while James steered a resisting Lily deeper into the alley.

“This place is crawling with Death Eaters and you don’t have a wand. We need to be smart.”

The night burned brighter as more fires were lit along the road. Screams and explosions filled the air.

“You’re not wrong,” she finally admitted. “There’s my Land Rover; we can hide in there until they leave.”

James raised his eyebrows as they neared the shiny maroon, nearly-new vehicle they’d almost damaged on their way to the pub.

“Gryffindor forever, huh Lils? Also, I didn’t know being a bartender paid so well.”

“Of all the fucking times to rib me about my spending habits–” she started in on him, before seeing the humorous glint in his eyes. She rolled her own. “Do you still have your cloak?”

James whipped out said cloak before trying unsuccessfully to open the door.

“Shit, my keys,” Lily hissed. “They’re in the back room. And my mobile! I need to call Charlie and Padmil.”

James let out a resigned breath and disappeared with a swish of the invisibility cloak. “Hide behind the car. What am I looking for?”

The edges of her lips tipped slightly. “You’ll know it when you see it, Potter. It’s on the shelf directly by the door.”

James took advantage of his invisibility and grinned, wondering if she had that horribly ugly bag his mother gave her for her birthday one year. He reached out and tugged a lock of hair that had fallen from her messy bun. She hadn’t ever worn her hair like that at Hogwarts; he kind of liked it.

She swatted the air. “James! You know I hate it when you do that.”

And just like that, reality came crashing back. They weren’t dating. They didn’t even know each other. He snatched his hand away. “I shouldn’t be long. I think the pub’s cleared out.”

He watched her swallow, presumably registering the sudden stiffness in his voice. “Right. I’ll just go back here.”

James made sure she was fully hidden before making his way back to the gaping back door of the pub. Stepping inside, he glanced around and spotted the paisley monstrosity immediately. If not pleasing to the eye, it was certainly high quality. James blatantly ignored the tightening in his chest at the thought of her keeping his mother’s well-intentioned present, and turned to go. A noise behind him made him freeze.

“You forgot to put on your glamour tonight, Severus.” Regulus’ cruel, knowing voice cut through the air. “Was there any particular reason?”

A loud bang sounded, a chair being thrown to the side maybe, and James crept toward the bar. _It’s for intelligence,_ he assured himself. Certainly not because they were surely talking about Lily.

“Don’t test me, Black,” Snape hissed in response.

“After months of watching this pub for any signs of the blood traitors, and being so careful, you _forget_ to do it on the day we attack?”

A muscle ticked in James’ jaw at the thought of Snivellus creepily watching Lily for so long. Did they think she was still in contact with the Order? If she was to be believed, she didn’t know a thing. But why attack this pub– her pub– out of all the ones in Edinburgh? It seemed like too much of a coincidence.

“Are you still in love with the mudblood?” His obnoxious giggle made James wince silently. “You saw her with Potter. They were practically shagging in front of us.”

Snape actually snarled and started toward Black before the front door of the pub slammed open. “Gentlemen, is everything finished here?”

James hardly dared breathe as Lucius Malfoy’s haughty voice filled the room. _If only Remus and Sirius were here._

“Just finishing now Sir,” Regulus said respectfully to his fellow pureblood. “No sign of the bodies.”

“Good. This won’t be difficult to spin. I thought Dumbledore would be a worthier opponent for the Dark Lord. Our hints at the mudblood’s location were clearly received.”

James’ head jerked back. Dumbledore had known he was sending them to Lily’s pub? What in the actual fuck? And why was Malfoy glad they weren’t dead?

Unfortunately, the group of Death Eaters said no more as they strode out of the pub. James knew the Order would prefer that he follow them, but the thought of Lily crouched behind her car made him grab her bag and retrace his steps into the back alley.

The empty space behind her car made him growl in frustration. Dammit, he should have known. He looked to the mouth of alley and sure enough, there she was behind a trashcan.

“Lily,” he murmured in her ear after he crept closer, thinking sardonically that he was fighting Snivellus for the ‘best creeper in Lily’s life’ award.

She jumped about a foot in the air and turned furious eyes completely the wrong direction. “Fuck, Potter.”

He pulled Lily under the cloak with him, her body stiff. “I don’t remember it being this big,” she commented, looking past his ear.

“I don’t remember you cursing so much.”

She frowned, obviously wondering where in the world that comment came from. He was wondering that himself, actually. It’s not that he cared about her cursing, it was just that it was wildly out of character for the Lily Evans he knew.

“I’m not a fucking schoolgirl anymore, Potter,” she said, probably just to annoy him. “Things change.”

_Clearly_. He made a noncommittal noise and told himself it wasn’t just to get a rise out of her. “Anyways, I charmed the cloak on a mission. It’s come in handy a few times.”

The reminder of the Order seemed to sober her, and she nodded toward the car. “Let’s go then.”

As he shut the Rover door firmly behind them, the chaos outside subsided. Lily laid down across the backseat nursing her head injury while he crouched in the front, keeping a look-out for Death Eaters. He could see them crossing the mouth of the alley, line after line of dark robes and white masks. When a column suddenly veered-off toward them, James jumped into the backseat and pushed Lily none-too-gently into the very back. He scrambled in next to her and flung the invisibility cloak over the both of them.

As they lay there awkwardly, bodies contorted, trying not breathe, staring at the ceiling, James moved his arm slightly so she could put her head on it. She did so after a brief hesitation, and he realized that this is how they used to sleep, her on the right and him on the left. He glanced over at her, wondering what she was thinking about all of this, and saw her eyes shut against the pain. His eyes fell to her black shirt, which had slipped off her left shoulder. He quickly glanced away, only for his gaze to be drawn back like a magnet as he realized that she’d gotten a tattoo over her old burns.  Curious, he gently nudged the collar down the rest of the way and he felt her sigh against him.

“James…” Her eyes fluttered open as she realized what he saw.

His finger ghosted over the elegant lines of a stag’s head and antlers, artfully blended with her scarred skin. “Is this…”

“Always you, James.” Her tired, pained whisper took a load off him that he hadn’t realize had been there for four long years. The marching outside the car finally ceased some time later as the Death Eaters moved on, and he realized that Lily had fallen asleep. He didn’t think he could ever sleep this close to her after this long, but he quickly proved himself totally wrong and gave into his exhaustion.

 

_Five years ago, September_

Lily hugged her mother goodbye on platform 9 3/4 and then turned to hug her dad, bumping her floating trunk out of the way. Petunia stood off to the side, arms crossed and scowling at any of the freaks who dared meet her eyes.

“Be careful,” Jemima Evans admonished her youngest daughter as she reached out and squeezed her hand.

“And don’t forget to have fun.” Eyes twinkling, Harold Evans engulfed Lily in one of his famous bear hugs, the kind she sorely missed anytime she needed a good hug during the school year.

Lily ignored her mother making big eyes at her and Petunia, clearly hinting at something. What, she wondered, a miraculous reunion? _Not_ likely. “Bye Tuney,” she said unenthusiastically, taking pity on her mum.

She tried not to wince as her sister didn’t bat an eye.

The train whistled, and students began breaking away from their families to board. Lily threw one last smile and a quick “I love you” to her parents before turning toward the train. Her view was suddenly blocked by a wall of black robes and her neck tightened as she realized who it was. _This already_?

She turned back to her parents with a forced smile and watched them go, not wanting to expose them to this side of her life in the magical world. The sucky one. As they disappeared back through the bricks Lily swung round to find Mulciber, Avery, and Regulus staring down at her much like someone might stare at a particularly juicy cockroach on the bottom of their shoe. This was _so_ not what she wanted to deal with as she began her final year at Hogwarts.

“I think you made a wrong turn somewhere, mudblood.” Avery was the talking head of the Slytherin trio. Lily had mentally awarded him the “most likely to say something stupid that would get him or someone else killed” prize.

“Right,” she glanced around like she’d forgotten something before smiling brightly and snapping her fingers. “I know! I did make a wrong turn. Can you direct me to the car with decent human beings on it?”

Avery pulled is wand out while Mulciber turned an unbecoming shade of red and took a step toward her. Lily unconsciously shifted back; if Avery was the talking head, Mulciber was the bloody fist.

“People of your ilk don’t belong at Hogwarts, Evans,” Regulus hissed, eyes lit with pureblood fervor.

“Her ilk?” Sirius joined the conversation with a wolfish grin. “You _are_ turning into mother, Reg.”

Lily’s shoulders relaxed slightly. If it was only Sirius she could quickly contain the situation. Her hopeful thoughts were halted when three curious faces appeared behind him. Oh no.

“What’s going on here, fam?” James piped up first, jovially invading Lily’s personal bubble. She registered with some surprise that he was dressed in muggle clothes. Jeans and Potter were a lethal combination to a girl’s hormones, and she glanced quickly away.

The odds now five against three, Avery put his wand away but blustered on nonetheless. “We were just telling Evans here about the Pureblood Registration Act. I’m sure your father told you about it.”

James tilted his head and looked sympathetic. “Avery, didn’t know you had an interest in the law. You do know you have to be smart to get into the Ministry, don’t you?”

Uneasily noting the deflection, Lily wondered what the Pureblood Registration Act was all about. Conditions in the wizarding world had steadily declined for muggle-born students like her since she’d arrived at Hogwarts. Her first year, she’d only gotten occasional sideways glances and muttered comments. Still overwhelmed by the wonder and thrill of entering the wizarding world, she hadn’t even noticed, really. The first time someone called her a mudblood had been during second year. She’d had to ask Severus, of all people, what it meant, and had wondered why he avoided her eyes as he explained. Third and fourth years were filled with news of “conservatives” filling key positions in the Ministry. Lily only knew this because the changing political tide suddenly made it ok to be rude to people like her. She’d been so ecstatic when it was finally her year to go to Hogsmeade, only to find “no muggle-born” signs posted in some of the shops. Out of protest, she stopped going entirely.

It was during a prefect patrol in fifth year when Lily was first physically attacked. They hadn’t instituted buddy patrols at that point, and it had been a few hours before James and Sirius had randomly found her body-bound in a tiny broom closet in the dungeons. She hadn’t even seen her attacker. Other muggle-born students were attacked as well, and Hogwarts enrollment began to decline as muggle parents feared for their children’s safety. Things only got worse in sixth year. It seemed as if Voldemort was recruiting younger and younger, and it wasn’t only the Slytherins with anti-muggle sentiments. When a tiny, first-year Ravenclaw refused to believe that a _mudblood_ could be a _prefect_ , Lily genuinely considered leaving Hogwarts.

Luckily Marlene had talked her right out of it, but she began to look for ways to fight back. This year, she was determined to make a difference in a tangible way. Which, she realized with no small amount of annoyance, probably began with not engaging Slytherins in useless fights.

“Listen, as Head Girl I can’t condone students insulting other students,” she said with an apologetic glance at James, briefly registering the suddenly blank look on his face. “But Avery, muggle-borns belong here just as much as you do and I won’t tolerate you saying otherwise. Now everyone go before I deduct points before the year has even started.”

Avery’s face twisted with disgust. “Dumbledore choosing a mudblood as head girl only proves that he’s no longer fit to lead Hogwarts. I’ll be writing my parents about this.”

“And you’ve only proven that you’re no longer fit to– ”

“We need to get onboard,” Lily interrupted James’ insult, trying to be diplomatic. “The train’s leaving.”

The final whistle fortunately chose that moment to go off, and their huddle quickly dissipated with dirty looks given all around. Lily stayed behind to herd a few reluctant first-years on the train and look around to make sure no one was left behind. Satisfied to see this section of the platform deserted, she turned toward the train. Busy charming her trunk, Lily heard a noise and looked up in time to see Regulus casting a spell her way as he stepped onboard.

Caught completely off-guard, Lily could only yell in fury as her upper body toppled forward, shoes stuck to the ground. She started to yank her feet out of her shoes only to get hit with another curse. Her legs snapped together and she awkwardly righted herself in an effort to avoid doing downward dog on the platform.

She could see the heads of other students, some watching curiously, as she whipped out her wand and began shouting counter–curses that might free her legs. The stickfast and leg-locker hexes weren’t harmful per say, just freaking annoying.

And so her year as Head Girl began with the entire Hogwarts student body watching from the train windows as she tried and failed to free herself from the platform. Lily Evans rarely cursed, but felt it was appropriate just then.

The end of the train chugged toward her, it hadn’t quite picked up speed yet, and she could see the heads of her friends sticking out the windows. They always arranged to meet in the last train; it was closest to the thestral carriages and ensured they’d get to the castle the fastest. They called her name, voice panicked, and she pointed emphatically toward her feet. “I’m stuck!”

She dashed away tears of fury and embarrassment, wondering how she’d manage to fail so early in the term. Just as the last train car passed, the door opened and someone jumped out, landing with an awkward roll. _Potter,_ she realized with an odd thrill.

“Do you know any un-sticking spells?” she called.

He rolled around in mock pain for a moment, lanky limbs flailing about, before climbing to his feet. “Wow, give me a moment after that heroic move, will you?”

“This is the last thing I need,” she lamented, staring after the rapidly disappearing train. “Well?”

“I don’t know any, but I know who does.” He pulled out what looked like a shard of glass and to her surprise, Sirius’ face appeared. It was screwed up in concentration and what sounded like moans of pain were coming from somewhere beyond him.

“What are you–”

“Did you get it?” James cut her off with a look.

Sirius told them the counter-curse and the shard went blank. James carefully replaced it in his cloak and Lily couldn’t help but laugh.

“You desperately need a mobile.”

He rolled his eyes. “I hardly think this is the time to foist newfangled muggle inventions on me, Lily.”

“I’m just saying, it would be useful. And something tells me you’d love Candy Crush.”

He freed her quickly, uncharacteristically quiet. All she could do was look up at him as he stepped unconscionably near. Her throat closed. _Was he this attractive last year?_

“Potter? Why’d you come back for me?”

James stared at her a moment longer before breaking out in a huge grin. “It would be rather unsporting of the head boy to leave the head girl behind, wouldn’t it?”


	6. Pull Me Closer

 

_Present Day_

Lily’s eyes flew open in an uncharacteristically sudden journey to complete alertness only a few hours after she’d gone to sleep. She and James had shifted during the night, she realized, as she felt his hard chest under her cheek, his legs tangled with her own. She indulged in a few precious moments of selfish pretending, that the last four years hadn’t happened, that she’d stayed at Hogwarts, that he was still hers. A tear slipped down her cheek and she automatically rubbed her face on his chest before freezing as he cleared his throat.

“As nice as this is,” he said slightly awkwardly, “we should check to see if they’re gone.”

Her cheeks lit up and she quickly rolled as far away as possible. “Right. Um, let’s see…” she kept ahold of the invisibility cloak as she raised her head to get a look out the window. “Looks clear but it’s the middle of the night and we don’t know who they left behind. Honestly it’s probably better if we wait until morning.”

James pulled himself to a sitting position beside her and Lily bit her lip, scooting to put more space between them.

“Scared of me, Evans?”

She froze as he caught her in the act. “I– no.” Once again, her cheeks lit up at she belatedly realized he was teasing her. Only James could make her blush ten times in a minute, she thought angrily.

“How did you know they were there last night?” she snapped, her good mood completely gone. “Have you been watching me?”

“Maybe you’d know the answer to that if you’d been fighting with us instead of fucking hiding.” James’ temper had never taken long to rise to the occasion, and he didn’t disappoint now.

“James–”

“And no, we haven’t been watching you. No one knew you were still alive until we walked into that pub last night.” He leaned toward her and it seemed as if the words were ripped out him. “Why did you leave?”

She shook her head, not knowing where to start. “Why didn’t you meet me that night?”

“I couldn’t meet you after the exam because I was planning something and didn’t–”

“No, at the park.” The devastation and fear from that day crept into her voice, and she shuddered. “I needed you.”

Something worked behind his eyes as he stared down at her. “You disappeared, Lily. No one knew where you went, all we did know was that your family had been killed. And McGonagall didn’t tell us until after the game.”

Things weren’t adding up here. Frowning, she thought through that afternoon.

“Dumbledore called me to his office and told me what happened. That was right after the transfiguration exam. I saw Peter on the way down to Hogsmeade to apparate back, and I told him to tell you what was happening.”

The dumbfounded look on James’ face would have been comical in any other situation. “He didn’t say anything.”

They sat in silence, both digesting the utterly senseless behavior of their former friend. James slammed his fist into the side of the car, and Lily jumped.

“Why the fuck would he go the whole game without saying anything? I would’ve–” he swallowed, the pain and regret on his face terrible to witness. “I would’ve been there. Fuck the game. Your parents–”

Lily shut out the devastation and sympathy on his face out of necessity. She couldn’t break down now, couldn’t let that wave of grief always lurking right beneath the surface rise up and wash her away. Not now, not ever.

“I apparated to your house right after the game. It was… midnight, maybe.” James was talking slowly, figuring out things for himself. “You were just gone. Your car, your house, it was all just gone.”

“I had to go to Diagon Alley, withdraw money from Gringotts. I was halfway to London by then,” she whispered.

“But why? Why didn’t you come back? You just abandoned everything. Your- your trunks, your stuff, your books.” _Me,_ was the unspoken addition.

Lily suppressed a sob as she prepared to tell him half of the truth. To lie.

“Death Eaters showed up after Dumbledore left.” She kept her voice as even as possible, the images of that horrific day floating through her mind. “I don’t know if you were told exactly what happened to them–”

Her voice broke and he nodded, that muscle in his jaw twitching.

“I was shown what happened. What they did to them.”

Her head bowed under the weight of the years, the guilt, the grief, the shame, the loss.

“What I did to them,” she added viciously.

He was already reaching for her. “Lily–”

She pushed him away. “You wanted to hear this, James. Let me get through it.”

Reluctantly, he sat back, arms still slightly out as if to catch her at any minute.

“You know, he fucking offered me a position. A job! From the man who killed my family.” Her laugh was hysterical, she knew, but she couldn’t bring herself to care. “I refused, obviously. With rather choice language, I might add.”

It was then that she felt his anger like a physical thing, filling her Rover to capacity, making it impossible to breathe.

“You what?”

His tone was casual, flippant even, but she knew. She knew him. Still, she didn’t soften the blow at all.

“I told him to fuck off. For killing my parents. For turning the world that I loved so much into a shitty, shitty place.”

“Fuck!” He picked up the nearest object, one of her black Louboutins probably, she thought randomly, and threw it toward the front of the car. “You can’t _say_ things like that, Lily!”

“I fucking well can, Potter! I’m not a saint! If they push, I have to push back!”

“Not if a ‘push’ means me finding your fucking body somewhere!”

They were both breathing heavily, faces almost touching as they stared at each other. It was then that her body responded; to his concern, his fury on her behalf. His unbearably strong feelings for her after all these years. Four years and a million misunderstandings between them went up in smoke when she learned forward and their lips crashed together. Her body did the explaining for her; that she was _alive,_ despite everything.

It was more violent, more raw than anything that had happened between them at Hogwarts. Clothes were literally torn off and flung all over her Rover, their bodies tangled and twisted in a passionate race to see who could get their hands on more of the other person. When he entered her it was as if she was welcoming him home. She’d had a few sexual encounters in the past four years but James… no one compared.

As they lay wrapped in each other’s arms, now breathing heavily in an entirely different way, Lily once again let herself pretend. She felt James stiffen and start to speak, but before he could do anything she held a finger to his mouth. “Can we just—?”

His body relaxed in a silent acquiescence and Lily snuggled closer to the one person that was everything she wanted, but everything she couldn’t have.

She was almost asleep when she heard his barely-there whisper.

“You never answered my question, Lils.”

She let out a bone-weary sigh, exhausted from keeping up the attitude, the pretense required that stopped her from spilling it all and saying, fuck the consequences.

“I saw you win the game, James.”

Her whisper had him start to sit up, but she pulled him down again. To face him and tell him this… an impossibility.

“It was the same, waking nightmare type-thing as when I saw my parents. You were magnificent- amazing. And on your victory lap, rocketing toward me to give me a kiss…” she pressed her face into his chest, needing to _feel_ him breathing. “Your broom exploded.”

This time he ignored her protests and sat straight up, horror and confusion written on his face.

“That didn’t–”

“You were right above the Gryffindor section,” she interrupted, the scene playing in her mind as clear as day. “They all died. I saw their bodies laid out on the quidditch pitch; Marlene, Sirius, Remus, Peter, Emmeline, Frank, Alice. Yours wasn’t even–”

A tear dripped down her cheek and she barely managed to whisper the word. “Recoverable.”

James took her face in his hands, forehead resting on her own. “That didn’t happen, Lily. Look at me. Breathe. I’m right here.”

“I know it didn’t,” she replied, her eyes closed. “That was the deal.”

She already hated herself for not telling him the truth. The whole, terrible truth. But he couldn’t know about the Prophecy, not yet.

“Regulus suggested it, actually. He was… he was there. Told Voldemort that they might need me for later. I’m not sure what he meant,” she lied. “Avery argued, of course, the fucker. He said mudblood-lovers deserve a Muggle death, hence the explosives.”

James’ face turned to granite. “I’ll kill them both.”

“No, you don’t understand,” she explained, not liking the dark promise in his eyes. “Voldemort was about to kill me. Regulus saved my life.”

“The one fucking good thing he’s ever done in his whole miserable life,” James muttered, pulling her back into his arms and laying down.

They laid in silence, contemplating the past. The present. The future, at least Lily hoped so.

“So you left…”

“To save you. To save our friends. Because what fucking good is a war when there’s no one to fight for?”

 

After what seemed like hours of silence, James felt Lily’s body relax as she fell asleep. He still couldn’t quite believe he was here, holding her, touching her. Fucking her. His mind immediately rejected the phrase but he refused to think anything else. Regret was already settling in, the doubts in his head rushing back to the forefront. She _left._ Without a word, without any kind of message to the friends who would have had her back no matter what. His mind still, after four damn years, couldn’t process the enormity of her betrayal. Sure, she’d had an explanation. But even with that fucking vision, Lily had known they were entering a war. Of _course_ they’d threaten everyone. His mind raced with the possibilities of what she could have done differently, of what he could have done. Of what he was going to do to fucking Peter Pettigrew, the literal rat.

His eyes drifted over her peaceful face, lingering on her too-kissable lips before dipping lower to the ink on her scarred shoulder. _His_ ink, he thought proudly, despite everything. It was an elegant line-drawing of a stag standing at attention, front leg lifted. The artist had done a good job of getting just enough detail without making it look messy. The lines blended and merged with the ridges of her scars, turning the old wound into a work of art. It suited Lily. He could barely make out the faint bite marks he had made around it. James closed his eyes briefly. He’d had many – _many –_ women over the past four years, but only Lily made him want to claim her in such a visceral, visible way. At least he’d been right, he thought humorlessly. Years passing wouldn’t make a dent in his attraction to her. The anger and betrayal rose up in his chest and this time he was too tired to think rationally and overcome it – or think irrationally and totally ignore it. His face grew cold as he eased her out of his arms and climbed into the front seat. It was time to gain some distance before she left him again.

 

_4 years ago, 11:31pm_

The roar of the crowd was deafening as the Gryffindor seeker caught the snitch, ending the brutal game 200-150. James had grudging respect for the Slytherin team for making their final victory well-earned, even if the Gryffindor beater had a dislocated shoulder and both of the other chasers had bandages around their heads. His own left side had taken a powerful hit, and he knew Lily would be all over it. He always pretended to be annoyed that she was so concerned about his injuries, but secretly James loved the attention.

After the hand-shakes with the sulking Slytherin team, they did a final team huddle, James yelling the details of the victory party that night. Duty over with, he searched for his friends. For her. _It was time._

Sirius and Remus were the first to get to him, both tackling him to the ground. “That was brilliant! What a fucking great catch!” Sirius yelled.

“Best Gryffindor captain ever, right here, in case anyone wants to know!” Remus thrust James’ right hand in the air.

Peter gave him a high-five and joined in their victory dance as their other friends made their way over. There was Marlene, Alice, Frank, Emmeline… but where was Lily?

“Peter, where’s Lily?”

His friend gave him a blank stare. “She’s not here?”

“Marlene? Do you know?”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell everyone,” she snapped. “I can’t find her. I’ve looked all over the stands, thinking she might just be sitting with someone else. But she’s gone.”

Everyone’s eyes went to Peter. “What did you do to keep her off the field before practice?” James questioned slowly.

His head seemed to sink back into his neck a bit, like a turtle, and he blanched. “I just told her not to come down until the game starts!”

James looked around for a moment, frantically thinking of other people she might sit with. He suddenly sprinted away from the others toward the stands. “Professor!”

McGonagall turned his way, a strange look on her face. “Potter–”

“Have you seen Lily?”

She looked sharply at the castle before putting a steadying hand on his shoulder. “She’s already left, James. You haven’t been told about her family? Get to the headmaster’s office immediately.”

His entire body stilled as the stupid fucking flowers began to zoom from their boxes under the stands. The other students cheered, assuming it was some kind of victory message, before the words fully formed. James could only stand, frozen, as what was supposed to be one of the best moments of his life turned into the worst. Lilies, roses, and dahlias swirled around him, forming an isolating cone of misery and humiliation. It was supposed to be his nod to her desire for privacy, that they would be alone together in a stadium full of people as he popped the question. James ripped the gold chain that held her ring off his neck. The enormous diamond ring, a Muggle tradition he didn’t entirely understand, glinted mockingly in the palm of his hand, asking the question that had been haunting him their entire relationship. _Did you really think you, James Fleamont Potter, deserved Lily Evans?_

The swirl of flowers ended as they floated to their destination above him. MARRY ME, EVANS?

Sirius and Remus were the first to reach him as James dropped to his knees. The stands were quieter now as people realized that something was off. Hushed whispers swirled like poisonous smoke, threatening to choke the life out of him. _She’s already left._

Emmeline was the one break him out of his horrified daze.

“JAMES POTTER! WAKE-UP!”

He jerked back to earth. The group was standing in a well-meaning circle of support. Sirius was muttering furiously about “talking some sense into her” while Remus paced, brow furrowed. Alice and Frank were hand in hand as per usual, staring at him with pity. Peter stared off into the distance, looking for her, James supposed.

“She probably just got scared, James,” Marlene began gently, annoying him immediately. “You know how she is with PDA.”

Remus clapped him on the shoulder. “Maybe she had a really unfortunate bout of motivation to…” he looked to the others for some help, only to be left hanging. “Wrap-up head-girl duties, or… something.”

“Shut up, Mooney,” glared Sirius, clearly trying to be tactful.

It was Sirius being, well, serious for once that finally gave James his voice.

“McGonagall said something happened with her family, that she’s already left.”

His revelation was met with horrified looks, then a chorus of voices. Knowing he couldn’t answer any of their questions, James turned on his heel, determined to get some answers. Marlene suddenly darted in front of him.

“We’ll find her,” she assured him, gripping his arms. “We’ll find her.”

The stunned group hurried off the field toward the castle, gorgeous petals raining around them like so much ash. It was all James could taste: devastation, humiliation, confusion. Ash. What his life would turn into without Lily.

He broke into a flat-out sprint. He _would_ find her. He had to.

 

_Present Day…_

She felt his absence as soon as she awoke. The sun was filtering weakly through the tall rooftops around them, barely bright enough to illuminate the inside of the Rover. Faint snoring came from the front seat. Lily pulled the cloak tighter around her, wondering how a garment that made one invisible also kept one so warm. She knew what it meant; James sleeping in the front seat instead of staying with her. He had never been hard to read. Lily supposed it was better that he was the one pulling away instead of her. She’d hoped that with her half-explanation… but it was too good to be true. She knew that.

“James,” Lily whispered. She hated to wake him up but knew they needed to get out of here.

Still asleep, his face relaxed into a smile. “Lils,” he mumbled. “S’not time–”

She was about to shake him awake when they both jumped at the obnoxious pounding on the passenger-side window.

“Shit,” James muttered, clutching his head where it had hit the roof. “What the actual–”

“Oh James.” The utter horror in Lily’s voice failed to prepare him for the Daily Prophet that was thrust against the window. _Traitorous Trio Attack Muggle Pub,_ the headline screamed above a snapshot of the chaos that was the night before. Muggles ran in all directions and the only wizards in sight were Remus and Sirius, looking particularly murderous as they fought off unseen adversaries.

_Known werewolf Remus Lupin and Sirius Black, a rogue member of the respectable pureblood Black family, were seen with suspected criminal and muggle–born Lily Evans inciting a riot and mass confusion in a muggle pub on Friday night. Many muggles were too confused to escape the tragedy, including the pub’s waitress Mari Denigold. We interviewed…_

It was all she had time to read before James ripped the door open and stumbled out of the Rover. “What the bloody fuck are they doing?” He yelled wildly, giving the poor vehicle another sound smack. “I knew, _knew_ the Prophet was compromised but this is just–”

Lily pulled on a spare white sweater that had been long discarded on the floor of her car. She took a minute to collect herself in the backseat while James had his meltdown. _Not Mari._ Realizing she’d simply lose it if she thought too hard about her friend, her thoughts turned to the rest of the article. It’d been such a shock to see her name splashed across the Daily Prophet when just yesterday she thought she’d never be part of the magical world again. She’d long dreamed about returning, but hadn’t ever imagined herself coming back as a… what had the article called her? “Suspected criminal.” Thrusting that horrible thought aside, she focused on the rest of it. _How dare they call Remus a bloodthirsty werewolf!_ _And Sirius is better than the rest of his family combined! “Respectable pureblood family” indeed,_ she sneered inwardly.

When she emerged from the Rover, James was still ranting and raving while Sirius and Remus hovered pensively. She watched the guys interact for a minute, trying to puzzle out what had shifted between them since their Hogwarts days. She couldn’t quite put her finger on it, but there was a major dynamic shift in there somewhere. Lily was pulled from her thoughts as James smacked the Rover again.

“James, enough.” Her voice was enough to break him from whatever spell he was in and he took a deep breath.

He scrubbed his face wearily and Lily caught a glimpse of how utterly exhausted he was, how much the war had taken a toll. “So this is the cover story. The Ministry must be just feeding them lies.”

“Except that I am a werewolf,” Remus pointed out. “And for all we know, Lily could be a criminal.”

There was a short silence as the three of them regarded her silently. The little openness she’d seen last night was completely gone from James’ eyes. His expression was as blank as Remus’, who’d always been the best at hiding his emotions. Sirius– the most expressive of the group– eyed her distrustfully.

Lily pushed down the sob that rose in her throat at their utter lack of faith in her. “This is rubbish,” she said briskly, willing away the tears and neatly removing the paper from Remus’ hands before tearing it into small pieces. “I’m no criminal. I’m a bartender.” _Rip._ She was gratified to see that her disappointed look at James made him glance away.

“You might be a werewolf, Remus, but you’ve never hurt anyone purposefully and you aren’t starting now.” _Rip._ He also looked away, no doubt remembering all of the late nights she’d spent tending his wounds and telling him that his condition didn’t change the good person he was.

“And you, Sirius.” He tensed as she looked his way. Lily made her face as inscrutable as possible before breaking out into a grin. “How they could ever say your family is ‘respectable’ when most of them are bat-shit crazy, I have no idea.” The paper was now well and truly shredded and with a final rip, Lily tossed the rest in a nearby bin.

It was Remus who laughed first, snorting into his fist. Sirius glanced at James, whose nostrils flared suddenly and soon their laughter filled the quiet alleyway. Lily wiped a tear from her eye as the four of them quieted down. They were nowhere near forgiving her completely, but she hoped very much this was a start.

 


	7. Tell Your Friends

 

_5 Years Ago…_

Lily fumed as she marched through the halls. Her Converse sneakers ate up each stone paver almost as furiously as her thoughts flew through her mind. She hadn’t even _wanted_ to take Divination for a second year, but Marlene had convinced her it’d be an easy class. Little did they know that practically all of the 6th year Slytherins would take it, along with a few choice Gryffindors. Lily’s hands shook as she felt the tight, painful skin on her shoulder where Avery had “accidentally” spilled a burning potion. Of course Professor Glendorf had immediately taken the pureblood’s side, asking anxiously if he was ok and dismissing Lily quickly to the hospital wing. She hadn’t expected much from Severus after their fight this year, but it hurt more than she wanted to admit when he hadn’t even looked her way. _This is my favorite set of robes, too,_ she thought miserably. _I can’t send back for more money. Mum and Dad are stressed enough._

“Evans!” Someone shouted from the corridor from which she’d just emerged.

She assumed it was James, who had immediately jumped up to do who-knows-what to Avery as soon as Lily had screamed. His seeming obsession with humiliating her had come to a complete and utter halt this year. No horribly creative date proposals, no obnoxious (and extremely public) flattery, no pestering her friends to help his hopeless cause. Just the occasional flirty smile and otherwise normal behavior... Until she’d seen the look on his face when Avery “tripped.” Well, he’d made it almost half the year, she thought.

“James–” Lily began wearily, only to stop as she saw Sirius rounding the corner at a jog. “Oh, hello.”

He slowed to a walk beside her, looking unusually grim. Despite living in the same House and having many mutual friends- not to mention all the times she’d caught their group doing crazy pranks- she hadn’t spent a lot of time with him. His friendship, or brotherhood, really, with James precluded any close friendship, although he did give her a new nickname every time they spoke. She was surprised to see him looking anything besides his normal dashing, flirty self.

“Evans.” He nodded at her and they continued in silence.

She glanced curiously at him a few times before finally asking tentatively, “Sirius? Did you need something?”

The grim look was wiped clean off his face as he smirked down at her, eyes flicking to her raw shoulder. “Is it against the rules to walk the halls now, Prefect?”

“My name is Lily in case you’ve forgotten,” she reminded him with an eyeroll. “And I’m perfectly capable of getting to the hospital wing on my own, thank you. He got my shoulder, not my legs.”

Now it was his turn to roll his eyes. “As if James would ever let me forget your name, Lilyflower.”

She opened her mouth to snap back about yet another one of his ridiculous nicknames when they turned the turned the corner to see Regulus Black leaning against the wall under a portrait of three knights. He casually flipped his wand as he looked between his brother and Lily.

Both Gryffindors whipped their wands out, Lily a bit slower than usual as her shoulder continued to burn. Regulus pushed off the wall and strode toward them with what she couldn’t help but think of as an evil smile. _Not all Slytherins are horrible,_ she reprimanded herself. The tension was almost visible as they got closer, no one saying a word.

She was about to breathe a sigh of relief as Regulus came abreast of them without showing any signs of trouble, when he suddenly stumbled and rammed directly into her injured shoulder. Lily couldn’t help the feral scream of pain that came from her mouth. Her wand clattered to the floor and she fell heavily into Sirius, who hauled her against his side and out of his brother’s path with an angry roar.

“No, don’t!” He ignored her cry and fired hex after hex at Regulus, shouting insults as the younger boy turned tail and ran down the hall. Sirius looked from their attacker to Lilly, clearly torn. She acted a little extra pathetic so he wouldn’t give chase, not that it was that hard. Whatever that potion had been, it was terribly effective.

“Damn it!”

Lily flinched as Sirius slammed his free hand against the wall, causing all three knights in the portrait above to run away with a clatter. He breathed heavily in what she assumed was an attempt to get his anger in check.

“Sirius.” She put her hand on his arm uncertainly, uncomfortable at witnessing his loss of control.

He bowed his head, his shaggy ink–black hair obscuring his face. “I’m sorry, Evans.” She could barely hear the muttered apology.

Lily looked at him for a moment before she steeled herself against the pain and bent to grab her fallen wand. Sirius quickly scooped it up and handed it to her as they started moving again. Each new bend and doorway seemed much more ominous now. Chills, either from the deepening burn or her growing fear, rippled across Lily’s shoulders.

“It’s not your fault, you know,” she said through her chattering teeth. “It’s been going on since first year, they’ve just gotten b–bolder since the Death Eater raids.”

If anything, Sirius looked more furious. “He should know better. Just because our family is shit doesn’t mean he has to be.”

“Just keep being a g-good example for him.”

He snorted. “Me, a role model. Good one, Evans.”

Her hands were shaking so badly now that she could barely hold on to her wand. Sirius noticed her trying unsuccessfully to stick it in her pocket and grabbed it, swearing. He put his arm around her waist and supported her shaking body.

“Shit, Evans. What did you to them?”

Her lips twisted and her eyes closed briefly. “Marlene and I may have charmed a few rats in the dungeons to hang about the Slytherin entrance.”

“And by a few you mean…”

“Two-hundred.”

Sirius almost dropped her in astonishment. “What the– what!” he sputtered. “Prefects don’t pull pranks!”

Lily looked at him pointedly. “Oh, so there are only three Mauraders, then?”

“Fine. _Lily Evans_ doesn’t pull pranks. I can see Marlene doing it, but– ahh.” His face lit in understanding.

Her back stiffened. “No, it wasn’t Marlene’s idea. It was mine.” Why she felt like she had to prove her prank chops to _Sirius Black_ of all people, she had no idea.

“Uh huh sure, Lillyflower.” He gave her a thoughtful look. “Well, at least this proves you’re not one of them.”

Lily blinked. “Excuse me?”

“Well what we were supposed to think?” Sirius defended.

“That I’m a decent human being,” she shot back. “Just because I _was_ friends with Severus–”

Sirius threw up a hand. “Exactly! And don’t think I haven’t missed you talking to Regulus.”

“Because I’m trying to convince him to stop listening to those bloody idiots, you idiot!”

That shut him up for a moment, but not for long.

“Lot of good it’s doing you,” he muttered with a pointed look at her shoulder.

“That was low.” Her reproachful look made him glance away. “I’m a Muggle-born, Sirius. I have no status in the wizarding world outside of these walls. Yelling about how unfair that is isn’t going to get me anywhere.”

“But neither is associating with future Death Eaters,” he pointed out.

She sighed wearily. “How else can I plant seeds of doubt? Part of me hopes that if they come to accept me, eventually, they might see that Muggles aren’t beneath them.”

They slowly ascended a thankfully-stationary staircase, the figures in the portraits murmuring unhappily at the sight of Lily’s wound.

“That’s… naïve,” Sirius finally said. “And too bloody fucking noble for my taste. But I’m glad you’re not one of the sell-outs.”

Lily cocked her head. “The what?”

“You know, the muggle-born who are supporting him, hoping they’ll get some kind of deal when he takes over.”

Her face suffused with disgust, then resignation. “I hate it, but I get it. It’s such a privilege to be in this world… people would do a lot to stay here. I get that. I knew about the separatists, but not any Muggle-born who fully supported him. The more you know, I guess.”

“The more you know,” he agreed.

They were almost to the hospital wing, finally. Lily considered the few Muggle-born that were left at the school, she thought they numbered in the dozens now, and wondered who might be a secret Voldemort supporter. The separatists, she understood. They were a group that advocated for the complete separation of Muggle-born and purebloods in wizarding society. It was a bold proposal that would tear many families apart, but some saw it as the only way forward. In fact, they were now trying to get a law that would ban marriages between Muggle-born and purebloods. But to completely sell-out other Muggle-borns to get some kind of lowly position in the wizarding world? She understood on some level, but hoped she never did completely.

When they entered the room full of neatly-made cots, Madame Pomfrey took one look at her shoulder and ordered her to lie down immediately. Sirius stood by the bed, shifting uneasily as the healer poured potion after potion onto the wound, not even bothering to separate the robes from the charred skin.

“Can’t you give her anything for the pain?”

Lily tried to loosen her grip on his hand a bit as she heard his wince. Yeah, he had suspected her of being a Voldemort supporter, but he was a hand to hold onto at the moment. She felt the blood draining from her face as tears filled it, but she refused to make a sound.

Madame Pomfrey glanced at Sirius as she ran back to her supply cabinet to grab another potion, brows furrowed. “Get Professor Slughorn. Quickly.”

“What’s happening?” Alarm filled Sirius’ voice and Lily tried her best to look less pained. She glanced anxiously at the healer.

“Just go!”

Sirius jumped at Madame Pomfrey’s yell and gingerly withdrew his hand from Lily’s grip. “I’ll get James to come,” he assured her.

“Thanks… wait, what?” Her shoulder burned as she jerked up, completely confused.

Her only answer was a devilish wink as he rushed out the door.

 

“Sirius!” James accosted him as he tried to speed by the classroom door, grabbing him by the arms.

Sirius yanked free and kept running down the hall, calling “I have to get Slughorn!” over his shoulder.

James paused for a minute, taken aback, and quickly caught up with him. Speed had never been Sirius’ strong suit, hence his obsession with Muggle vehicles. “What’s going on?”

“Pomfrey can’t fix whatever the hell Avery poured on her.”

“The fuck?” James’ snarl finally made Sirius stop.

“Oh, I’m already coming up with something,” he assured, a deadly look in his eye. “Go.”

James spun on his heel and made it up to the Hospital Wing in record time, bursting in only to hear an awful moan of pain. Lily was sitting up on the cot, head in her hands. Her left shoulder was bare and the skin looked like she’d been horribly flayed with a whip. _I’m going to kill him. I’m actually going to kill him._

“Lily…” his voice trailed off as he hovered helplessly, all the fake bravado that he normally used with her completely escaping him.

“What are you doing here?”

He couldn’t fully focus on her words, gaze drawn magnetically to her blistering shoulder. What _was_ he doing here? He should get Marlene, or Emmeline. He’d barely spoken to her this year, much less developed enough of a relationship for him to be here at this moment.

His “pursuit” of her during their third and fourth years had mostly been a joke. Although he really did have a crush, James knew he didn’t have a chance with the kind of girl who befriended the nobodies. The only thing that really got him angry was her “friendship” with Snivellus. The greasy-haired git had no business spreading his weirdness and poison around Lily Evans.

Ironically, the confrontation that had finally proven that Snape was just another future Death Eater, that he cared more about Voldemort than about his only real friend, had also been the confrontation that had made James finally give up on Lily. When she had refused to see reason, and had been angry at him and the guys instead of the person calling her a mudblood, it had been the last straw. They’d even speculated that she was a sell-out, or a separatist at the very least. Why else would she give the time of day to Slytherins known to support Voldemort? Now, staring at her burning flesh, James was forced to reconsider his position.

“Hey, my eyes are up here, buddy.”

The tiniest smile lit her face and James instantly became determined to fan that spark into a flame. It wasn’t hard to reach for the outrageous flirtation he thought he’d left behind. Sliding onto the cot next to her, he gave her a massive wink.

“Oh, your eyes are only one of the your many charms, Evans. It’s really your knees that I’m obsessed with.”

Her smile deepened, and he felt like he’d just single-handedly won a quidditch match.

“My knees? These robes must really suck for you, then.”

“Oh, they are the bane of my existence,” he assured her, not entirely lying.

Pomfrey rounded the corner with a businesslike scowl. “Normally I’d say no visitors, but Ms. Evans will need a distraction as Professor Slughorn does his work.”

Lily face filled with pain once again as she took in the normally-unruffle-able healer before her eyes darted to the door.

James cleared his throat obnoxiously. “Anyways, back to our discussion of your _charms_.”

A corner of her mouth tipped down, amusement gone. “James, you don’t have to–”

“I don’t have to what?” He lifted one of her clenched fists. “Talk about how much I love your…”

He made sure the pause was long and dramatic, making Lily glance worriedly over to Madame Pomfrey in anticipation of his next words.

“Knuckles,” he said salaciously, flaring his eyes and everything.

A reluctant laugh escaped her. “Really? Potter, do you want me for my joints?”

“I live for your joints, Lily Evans. Don’t get me started on your elbows…” He carefully moved his hands up her arm so he didn’t jostle her shoulder, gently holding her soft elbow in his hands. Elbows are really weird, he thought randomly. When he began to give the joint a miniscule massage, she burst out laughing. Unable to hold back any longer, so did he. And for just a moment, they were simply friends laughing at each other, complications be damned.

“Wow,” she finally commented, eyes twinkling. “It’s good to know my joints have a one-man fan club.”

“L.J.F. for life, what what,” he deadpanned.

“Oh my god.”

She leaned into him – _she leaned into him_ – and rested her head on his shoulder. “Thanks, James.”

He swallowed his response (he was planning to move on to her ankles next) as Slughorn scurried into the room, wiping his sweating forehead. The potions professor immediately began pouring various potions on the wound, pulling beakers out of who-knows-where. James winced as they hissed and bubbled, but it was already looking better. His shoulders finally relaxed as Slughorn stepped back with a satisfied nod.

“That should do it. Keep her here for a few hours to make sure it’s healing correctly, Madame Pomfrey, but she should be back to snuff by this afternoon.” He turned to Lily.

“Ms. Evans, if you didn’t want to come to the club get-together, you should have just said so.”

James rolled his eyes. The Slug Club was Slughorn’s cozy little group of hand-picked students that, according to him, had the potential or the connections to become “great.” Both he and Sirius had been asked, of course, and immediately turned it down. They found it much more interesting to find devious ways to prank the group – especially certain Slytherin members – than to join it.

He tensed as Lily’s smile froze on her face. _That little shit._

“You’re going to have one less club member after today, Professor.”

Slughorn leaned back, bemused, as James spat the words. “How’s that, Potter?”

“Avery,” Lily supplied quietly. “He poured this on me in Divination today.”

Shock and disbelief filled Slughorn’s genial face. “Surely not! Surely there’s some explanation–”

And with that, James was done. Did she face this all the time, he wondered? This blatant disregard of the _literally_ bloody evidence staring them in the face?

He released her hand and jumped to his feet, hands tearing through his hair. “With all due respect, are you fucking serious right now, Professor?”

His best friend chose that moment to shamble in, looking extremely indignant. “Oy! Although I have many, many skills in that department, I think phantom shagging is beyond even me… Although I am quite flattered, Sluggy.”

Madame Pomfrey looked apoplectic while Slughorn’s face turned a shade of very unbecoming green.

“Sirius!” Lily hissed.

“What?” He winked, totally unrepentant, before his eyes flickered to James, and then toward the door.

James straightened. “I’ll be back when you get out of Pomfrey prison, Evans. Keep those joints looking pretty for me.”

She clearly hadn’t missed a thing when her eyes narrowed, gaze moving between him and Sirius. “What are you doing?”

Sirius grinned like he transfigured into a wolf, not a dog. “Hunting rats, of course.”

“Black, Potter!” Pomfrey yelled uselessly after them as they sped out of the room. Revenge may be best served cold, but James preferred it hot. Boiling hot.

 

_Present Day_

Lily stretched and yawned, deciding she had no business giving speeches about loyalty this early in the damn morning. Also, sleeping in her car… not something she would repeat, amazing sex nonetheless.

“As many questions as I have for you, Lilyflower,” Sirius began, glancing toward the street, “It’s much too early for someone of my delicate constitution to be out and about.”

James sobered quickly and nodded. “We need to get to my flat in London–”

“Excuse me?” She saw Remus and Sirius look over nervously at her silky sweet tone.

James, of course, continued to talk over her as if he hadn’t heard, ramping up her temper even more.

“I think that would be the best–”

“James _Fleamont_ Potter.”

Lily put her hands on her hips, getting right in his face. It didn’t take a genius to figure out why she physically couldn’t stay away from him, even when she wanted to punch him in the face. _That beautiful face._ Now she was just getting off track.

“I’m not some sort of damsel in distress that you need to save.”

“Aren’t you?”

His frank stare made her regret not pulling on her work pants. The white sweater hit a few inches above her knees, and she shivered in the cool morning air. During the drama of the Prophet article she hadn’t even considered her appearance. Her hair had come entirely out of the neat bun she’d had it in last night, and she was positive she had horrific racoon eyes. She wanted to wipe the mascara off but didn’t want the guys to think she was crying.

_No matter._ Lily straightened her shoulders and lifted her chin. Her mum had really caught on to that dumb quote she’d found one time on Pinterest: _Keep your head high princess, if not the crown falls off_. She’d only heard it a million times her last few summers at Hogwarts, but she’d gladly hear it a million more for the chance to see her mum again.

She pushed down the grief and glared at Potter. “No. I can take care of myself, thank you. Besides, Charlie and–”

“Oh of course, wouldn’t want to upset _Charlie_.” The ice in his voice only made Lily dig in harder. _So this is how it’s going to be, hm?_

“Yes, _Charlie_. And Padmil. And my things. I can’t just run off to London on a whim.”

James took a huge breath, undoubtedly to give yet another idiotic comeback, when Sirius butt in, eyes rolling so hard they were practically in his head.

“I know fighting is basically foreplay for you, but we need to get off the street,” he said in a bored drawl that belied his watchful scan and tense shoulders.

Lily tossed her head, still not ready to back down. “Well I have the vehicle, so I think I get to decide where we go from here.”

Her smug look quickly changed into one of panic as James dangled the keys in front of her.

“Seriou–” She quickly cut herself off after casting a dark look toward Sirius, who was grinning maniacally. “Really, James?”

“I think we need to stay in Edinburgh.” Remus spoke up unexpectedly, fingers drumming his thighs. Lily noticed he looked gaunt and wondered when the next full moon was. Normally she kept track, but she’d forgotten this month, of all the times.

“We’re fugitives now. We can’t just go waltzing down Diagon Alley,” he continued. “Dumbledore told us to stay put until someone gets us a message.”

James glared daggers at his sensible friend. “Fine. We’ll go to Lily’s flat.”

There was an awkward silence. Remus and Sirius exchanged loaded glances, while James looked strangely… determined? Or defiant, maybe. Lily couldn’t decide which.

“What?” She questioned finally, when no one spoke up.

“It’s just that…” Remus hesitated.

Lily looked between the three of them. What didn’t they want to tell her? Why wouldn’t they want to go to her flat?

Suddenly, it hit her. Regulus and Severus, in _her_ bar after being gone for four years. Their twisted words to her back in the stockroom, making something out of nothing.

“You have got to be fucking kidding me.” The disgust in her voice couldn’t be overstated, and all three of them winced.

She yanked up her sleeves to reveal her forearms and viciously rubbed one, and then the other. “Is this what you wanted to see? Look, no dark mark!”

The guys couldn’t even meet her eyes. James opened his mouth, but her bitter laugh cut him off.

“I don’t know why I bother. Haven’t they hurt me enough? What will it take to prove that I’m not a fucking Death Eater? Killing my parents? OH WAIT, that’s already happened!”

She hugged herself and took a few steps back. Hot tears threatened to spill over. Her face felt like it was burning. James reached out a hand and she stepped back even more.

“Don’t touch me.” Lily folded herself inward as much as possible, the feel of the cold stone seeping through her sweater as she leaned against it. “I left to protect you. Why else would I leave? The school I loved, the friends I loved,” she said looking accusingly at Remus and Sirius. “The man I loved,” she added. She couldn’t look at him, though. “And yes, I knew about the proposal. I didn’t know exactly when it was happening, but I saw the ring.”

Her eyes widened slightly as _that_ little nugget came out, completely unintentionally. The air left James in an audible woosh and her eyes flew to his suddenly ravaged face. _Why didn’t you come after me?_

“You can’t keep a secret worth shit, James,” she said quietly, heavily. Again, that wave of grief threatened to sweep her under as she turned back to Remus and Sirius. “So tell me, why the fuck would I run away from all of that to become part of an organization that’s only purpose is to wipe people like me from the wizarding world?”

“You know why we would think that, Lily.” She wondered if that moment was the first time Sirius had ever used her real name, and she hated it immediately. She hated his quiet, appeasing tone, so unlike the brash rebel she had known. That alone told her how much they had actually believed this of her.

Remus scrubbed a hand over his face. “We never wanted to believe it. But you were gone.” He glanced at James. “If it makes you feel any better, James never stopped defending you. He wouldn’t even say your name, but no one said you were a Death Eater while he was around.”

It shouldn’t have, but it did make her feel better. Marginally. How many of her old friends thought she was a freaking Death Eater, she wondered? Just because she used to be friends with Severus? Honestly if the “right” side was going to be that unreasonable, she should be glad she left when she did.

Sighing, Lily pushed off the wall toward the car. This was getting them nowhere. “I can’t talk about this anymore. Where are we going from here? Someone make a fucking decision.”

Sirius seemed to brace himself. “Well, James has to go back to work. Orders from Dumbledore,” he added apologetically.

The murderous look on James’ face made him throw up his hands. “Don’t kill the messenger, mate!”

“Fuck work and fuck Dumbledore.” James ignored three pairs of raised eyebrows and stomped to the Rover. “I need some tea.”

 


	8. Chapter 8: I Know

_Present Day…_

Lighting split the ceiling of the third-floor conference room. Thunder sounded, and a two-foot cloud formed ominously over the oblong table. There was a scramble to move scrolls and other papers out of the way as lighting hit again, and a sudden, tiny, downpour began soaking the wood. The miniature cloud made its way leisurely down the length of the table before suddenly veering left.

“As I was– oh!”

The head of the Department of Muggle Relations jumped out of his chair in an effort to avoid the rain. It didn’t work. For a moment the unusually tall man’s head was literally in the clouds and in seconds, he was completely soaked. Dry and toasty across the table, James watched his nose flare in an effort to stay calm. That also did not work. He swore and jumped up, muttering a drying spell, before sitting back down.

“As we were saying, Mr. Yamasura, a Muggle-born registry allows your government to keep track of this difficult sub-group.”

The rain seemed to have stopped, and the cloud had moved toward the back of the room. Everyone’s eyes followed it as it floated over Gibbons once again. He growled another curse and covered his head with a handy Daily Prophet. The man was determined, James would give him that. He held back a laugh as Gibbons wrung out his tie with one hand and continued to hold the newspaper in the other, all the while grimacing horribly at his ruined shoes. How was the man always so tan, James wondered idly?

“And why would we want to ‘keep track’ of muggle-borns, Mr. Gibbons?”

James had no idea how Kaito Yamasura, an old friend from their Triwizard Tournament days, was keeping a straight face. First off, the idea was idiotic. The only reason it had become policy at the Ministry was because so many people were terrified of Voldemort. There was no practical purpose to it, other than the government being able to target Muggle-borns, something that unfortunately James saw coming sooner rather than later. The more reasonable people had long since been forced out of Ministry positions; the only reason he was still there was to spy for the Order.

“Please, call him _Gilbert_ ,” James offered solicitously. Gibbons’ first name was his favorite thing about the man, entirely because the man himself hated it.

“We need to ensure that all members of the wizarding community are contributing to our society,” Gibbons said fervently, after shooting a killing look at James. “Of course pure-bloods will, but a Muggle-born registry ensures that each of these people have a legitimate occupation. It’s a purely economic consideration.”

Kaito blinked. “I see. Besides… economic considerations, are there other reasons?”

Gibbons glanced up at the still-hovering raincloud and tentatively put down the newspaper. Immediately, there was another downpour. Seeing that he was busy fending off the miniature rainstorm, his co-worker continued the presentation.

“Muggle-borns weren’t raised in the wizarding world,” the raven-haired old woman began querulously. “They might do something to expose us, put our world in danger. Who knows who they are _really_ loyal to when push comes to shove?”

“That is what the International Statute of Secrecy is for, is it not, Miss Bolton?” Kaito questioned, his pen moving smoothly over his scroll.

Five years ago, James would have said that Glenda Bolton was a relic of the past. Her anti-muggle prejudice had kept her at a low-level in the Ministry until Voldemort’s ideas began to take hold, making the prejudice that had always been there in many wizards more acceptable in the light of day. Now, she was assistant department head, a position that previously would have been off-limits for her.

Glenda huffed at Kaito’s question. “Yes, but these Muggle-borns could be dangerous. Our department will be releasing a report on these people that show just how dangerous they really are.”

James’ ears perked, and Gibbons looked peeved as he finished yet another drying spell. Clearly, this wasn’t something he was supposed to know about. “Tell us more, Glenda,” he encouraged, eyes wide in fake outrage. “Why _are_ Muggle-borns so dangerous?”

Her chest puffed. “Well, statistics show that Muggle-borns tend to be more violent. Ten out of–”

“Thank-you, Glenda,” Gibbons interrupted nervously, clearing his throat. “They can read for themselves in the Daily Prophet tomorrow morning.”

Glenda’s eyebrows rose seriously. “It is _very_ informative.”

For a moment, the only sound was the pitter patter of tiny rain drops. The cloud had migrated to the corner, directly over Gibbon’s bag of documents. He swore and jogged over to yank it to safety.

“Potter, can’t you do something about this?” Gibbons’ bark of pure frustration was music to James’ ears. Doing whatever he could to make the man’s life miserable was something of a sport, one that James excelled at.

He rearranged his features to look semi-sympathetic. “Sorry Gilbert, you know those maintenance workers…”

“God they need to get that contract figured out,” Gibbons grumbled. He belatedly caught the use of his first named and glared at James again.

James took this as his cue. “Thank you so much for your time,” he said, pushing back his chair to end another meeting from hell.

Kaito also stood. “I am sorry we could not come to an agreement on this issue.”

Spreading his hands, James shrugged. “We can only do so much around these tables.”

Kaito shot him a knowing look. “I will mention the… novel… idea of a ‘muggle-born registry’ as you call it. Perhaps it will gain some traction with some of our council members.”

The officials from Department of Muggle Relations looked at James sourly before walking out the door. They didn’t bother to say goodbye to Kaito, with whom they had called the meeting. James had just managed to join, after being lied to about the time and location several times.

The meeting had been long, exhausting, and, in the end, pointless. James had made sure of that. He didn’t feel like he did much to help the cause these days, but he could sure as hell make sure none of this bullshit spread to other wizarding countries.

“I’m still waiting for that re-match someday,” James challenged Kaito with a grin as he held the door open, thankful beyond belief that their meeting was over.

Kaito tilted his head. “Oh was that quidditch you were playing last time? I thought you were showing me your first-year broom skills.”

“I seem to remember my team beating yours at the Tri-Wizard,” James reminded him loftily, giving him a mock punch in the side. Although James hadn’t been old enough to participate in the Tri-Wizard, he had been able to organize several quidditch matches between the schools during the games. “Besides, we did invent the game in the first place.”

“Some rogue Hogwarts students might have spread the game to Mahoutokoro, but we perfected it.”

Although James hated to admit it, Kaito’s boast wasn’t entirely unearned. The quidditch rivalry between the two schools was hundreds of years old. Legend had it that a band of Hogwarts students trying to circumnavigate the globe via broomstick had stumbled onto Mahoutokoro, the Japanese school of witchcraft and wizardry, and taught them to play quidditch. Mahoutokoro students liked to say that Hogwarts graduates had regretted the decision ever since, because the rigorous training conditions at the mountain-top school made for stiff competitors.

James shook hands with Kaito and they made plans to meet up in a few days. Back in his tiny office, he plopped down on his rickety chair and swung it toward his desk to find… a prophecy ball. He jumped up, careful not to touch it. Touching a prophecy not meant for you landed one in St. Mungo’s with a case of the insanities for a while. It eventually wore off, but this wasn’t the time for James to be hospitalized.  

A note on his desk, one that hadn’t been there when he’d left for the meeting a few hours ago, caught his attention and he leaned forward. It wasn’t made of regular parchment paper. It was… computer paper? Is that what Lily had called it? The words “D of M, prophecy 635- James and Lily” were scrawled on it haphazardly, the print barely legible.

What the hell? James checked his security wards, but no human had passed through them. A quick check with his co-workers turned up only a recent house-elf sighting. That could be something, but house elves were a dime-a-dozen here. There was no way to figure out which one had been in his office. That would explain, however, why there wasn’t someone babbling and acting crazy in his office. A house elf would be immune to the defense charms on the prophecy ball.

He bent down to examine the note more, when something jostled at his feet. James jumped in surprise, and to his horror, his fingers brushed the prophecy ball. The smoke inside began to swirl, and an eerie voice filled the room.

_“The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches ... “_

“Mufflato!” James exclaimed, quickly locking his door. Fuck, this could be bad. There was nothing to do now except listen, though.

_“Born to the stag and the doe near death,”_

Stag and doe… James’ jaw dropped. Him and Lily. It had to be. Near death, though? Panic filled him. Lily was going to die soon? It took everything he had not to rush out of the room immediately.

_“…he is fated to live, but fated to die ... “_

Their… son? Would have the power to vanquish Voldemort? More panic, warring with pride.

_“And the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not ... And either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives ...”_

Someone else would have to help him interpret that part. All he knew was that he and Lily might die soon, they were fated to _have a child_ , and that the child might also die. What the bloody hell was going on?

The prophecy fizzled out and the glass ball dropped to the floor with a dull clunk, now useless. James stared at it blankly, trying and failing to come to grips with what he had just heard. Stag… doe… death… child…

All at once, James knew two terrible things. First, he could lie to himself all he wanted but the truth was, he was still very much in love with Lily Evans and perhaps always would be. Second, he could love her all he wanted from a distance, but if they were together, this prophecy would come true. Lily, and their child, would die. And _that_ was simply unacceptable.

 

 

 

_4 Years Ago_

 

Lily stared at the seemingly harmless piece of cloth in her hand. The band was red and slightly stretchy, with a block-style letter “M” outlined in black. She instantly knew it would irritate her skin something awful. That wasn’t the only thing it would irritate.

She and the rest of the few dozen muggle-borns left at Hogwarts had been gathered in the Great Hall. Dumbledore was standing by the doors, arms crossed, a foreboding expression on his face. McGonagall rushed around frantically, snapping at any ministry wizards foolish enough to cross her path.

Lily had never felt more like a second-class citizen in her life. She’d been yanked out of the dungeon classroom by a stranger, leaving Professor Slughorn sputtering in surprise. Lily had been so deep in her studies (N.E.W.T.s were only _six months_ away) that she hadn’t had the time to protest. Peter was the only other Gryffindor in the N.E.W.T. level potions class, and Lily hoped he wouldn’t run to the other Marauders right away. Things could get quite messy if they got involved.

As the man pushed her rudely down the hall, she demanded to know what the _hell_ was going on. Was she in trouble? Was her family ok? Lily’s mind raced, but no answers were forthcoming, only a stern, “be compliant if you know what’s good for you.” Of course she’d promptly decided to be anything but.

“I’m not going to be dragged off to who-knows-where…” she’d started shouting, but paused when she saw the other Muggle-borns being led down the hall as well.

They’d all turned to look at her shout, and she gave them a thin smile, keenly aware of her responsibility as head girl.

Her eyes found Bridget, a normally-plucky 5th year Ravenclaw who looked terrified out of her mind. Some of the more nasty Voldemort supporters had been talking loudly of Muggle-born work camps that, to Lily’s horror, were actually being proposed in the Ministry. They hadn’t gone through to her knowledge (the wizarding world hadn’t gone that crazy, yet), but this certainly wasn’t a good sign. Lily jogged a few steps to catch up with the brunette and linked arms, throwing an “I dare you” look over her shoulder to her guard. They’d finished the journey in silence.

A very tall, very tan ministry worker had ordered them to line up against the wall. Heart racing, neck tight, Lily made sure she was first. It wasn’t as bad as she feared. It was far worse. A flashbulb blinded her for a moment. Blinking wildly, she tried to listen to what the ministry goon was saying.

“You are now being entered into the Muggle-born registry. When you graduate, the school _will be_ providing us with your address and impending employment.” The man glared at Dumbledore as he said this. Dumbledore stared impassively back.

“This,” he continued, holding up the armband, “identifies you as a Muggle-born. It’s for your own protection. Upon graduation, you will be required to provide your location and occupation to the ministry monthly. Again, this is for your own protection. The band also serves as a gentle reminder to check-in with the Ministry every month.”

“A gentle reminder?” Lily couldn’t help but ask. Dumbledore’s eyes flared in a clear sign to _shut-up_ , but she ignored him. What was he doing to stop all this, anyways?

The man’s eyes narrowed on her and she couldn’t help but wish she hadn’t drawn his attention. “Yes, Miss…”

She set her jaw and didn’t answer his implied question. He’d know soon enough from this disgusting registry, anyways. She’d heard the rumors, but had refused to believe them. “I’m not putting this thing on until I know exactly what it does.”

The pop of the flashbulb was the only noise, as the photographer continued down the line. The woman passing out the armbands paused and looked around uncertainly as Finlay, a Gryffindor in 7thyear and a prefect, refused to take one from her hand. It was then that Lily noticed the dozen or so ministry workers that had escorted them out of class, lined up between them and the exit.

Lily’s eyes met Finlay’s and he mouthed, _what the fuck_. She shrugged haplessly, just as upset as he was. The man in front cleared his throat as he glanced back and forth between them and she could practically see him pinning them as ringleaders.

“Fine. Why don’t you two step forward.” He nodded and bounced on his feet, shooting a look toward the group of ministry workers that had apparently embraced their roles as enforcers. The wall of them walked forward.

The two seventh-years glanced at each other. Lily nodded slightly in encouragement, her eyes going to the terrified-looking first years down the row. _It’s better that he makes an example out of us_ she thought. They took a few steps away from the wall.

“You will not go near my students, Gilbert.” Dumbedore’s voice was deceptively mild, although somehow it echoed through the Great Hall.

Lily choked back a laugh. _Gilbert_? The man looked annoyed, then blinked, a smug smirk on lips that made Lily want to punch him.

“Albus, are you defying the Ministry?” His words dripped with sarcastic surprise, but the clear attempt to put himself on the same level of authority as Dumbledore with the first-name usage failed miserably. Nothing could be less authoritative than Gilbert.

The headmaster walked forward and plucked two armbands out of the wooden crate. “I am doing no such thing. I am simply assisting you in the process.”

Lily felt her heart drop as Dumbledore made his way toward them, eyes unfathomable as ever. The man she’d trusted to protect them was coming forward to put some kind of magical device that did who-knows-what on her. Even Professor McGonagall was looking at him askance. The utter betrayal on Lily’s face must have been obvious, because his face softened.

“Trust me, Miss Evans. I’ll explain later.” His voice was barely discernable, even as he was inches from her face, sliding the band up onto her arm.

Her fists tightened, teeth biting into her lip hard enough to draw blood. How had the wizarding world sunk this low?

Gilbert (she still thought it was hilarious, despite the circumstances) side-stepped Dumbledore and came closer, face alight in a malicious smile. It was funny, she thought distantly, it looked like the man should be on a magazine cover, not doing the bidding of the Ministry.

“As I said, to help protect you, and remind you to check-in with the Ministry, the bands will give you a signal when it’s time.” He paused, expecting some kind of response.

“How helpful, _Gilbert_.”

Her acerbic response made his face twist in disgust. “It’s Mr. Gibbons to you, mu-” He cleared his throat. “Miss…” one of the other workers hurried up and whispered in his ear. “ _Evans_. Lily Evans.” Gilbert stared at her, as if memorizing her face. She rolled her eyes.

“Let’s get this over with.”

“Indeed.” He motioned to an older woman with black hair and (apparently) a black heart.

As soon as the woman muttered a spell and waved her wand, the band started tightening around Lily’s arm. It wasn’t bad at first, just rather annoying. She took a breath and reached over, grabbing Finlay’s hand. He squeezed it in unspoken agreement. They had to take this, but they didn’t have to let the Ministry see them squirm.

Both of them stared Gilbert squarely in the eyes. His face was eager, she could practically see him licking his lips in anticipation, his gaze going from their faces to the tightening bands.

As it began to dig in more, the band seemed to shrink not only in circumference, but in width as well. It was closer to the size of a hair-tie than an armband when it cut off circulation. The dull ache disappeared, replaced by sharp pain. It was clear the band would cut right through her skin if it wasn’t stopped.

Wanting to be defiant, but also wanting to get out of this with both of her arms intact, Lily opened her mouth.

“STOP.” Dumbledore’s quiet demeanor was nowhere to be found. She’d never seen this version of the headmaster, eyes wild with fury, brandishing his wand.

She and Finlay sagged as they felt immediate relief. _Thank god._

Lily resisted the urge to rub her arm. Suddenly, the Great Hall doors flew open with a bang. More ministry workers strode in, wands out. Everyone, most students included, whipped their wands out as well. _What the hell?_

“Headmaster, stand down.” To Lily’s shock it was Mr. Potter, James’ often-absent dad who worked in the Department of Mysteries. He put a calming hand on Dumbledore’s arm and whispered something in his ear that made him lower his wand immediately.

“Gilbert, show me the authorization form that allowed you to come into a school, interrupt students in their learning, and put an experimental device on them,” Mr. Potter thundered at his colleague. He looked eerily like his son when he was angry, Lily thought with a slight smile.

Gilbert seemed to shrink. “Mr. Potter, I was just signing these muggles up for the registry.”

“Muggle- _born_ wizards and witches,” Mr. Potter corrected.

“They need to be signed up–”

“Say it.”

His eyes darted around and he glared at his superior rebelliously. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“ _Say it_.”

 He drew back nervously in the face of Mr. Potter’s wrath and was silent for a long moment.

“Muggle-born,” he finally conceded, although not completely. “I was under the impression–”

“Right,” the department head sneered, refusing to let him continue making excuses. “Under the impression that your department can do whatever the bloody hell you want. Well I’m here to tell you you’re wrong. Show me the form or get out.”

Gilbert hemmed and hawed, his tan face now pasty white. Clearly, Potter was the senior official here. Finally, he turned to Dumbledore. “This isn’t over.” Breathing noisily through his nose, he stomped out of the room. The rest of the wizards who had come with him looked nervously from Potter to the door, clearly wondering who to go with.

“LET’S GO!”

Gilbert’s scream made them jump and stream out of the Great Hall. Lily and Finlay immediately ripped the armbands off, inspecting the damage. Just wicked bruises, it looked like.

“I’m so sorry about this, Albus.” Mr. Potter sighed and ran a beleaguered hand through his hair, again mirroring his son. “Department of Muggle Relations, my ass. Gilbert is a menace. An idiot, but a menace nonetheless.”

Dumbledore inclined his head, and turned to the students, who were still gathered against the wall in shock. “You all know the times we live in, and the danger you are in simply for being the way you are. I want to stress that Hogwarts is always a safe place for you, and that I knew help was on the way.” He motioned to Lily and Finlay. “I had to let him think he was winning. I’m sorry that it got that far.”

Lily nodded stiffly, not inclined to let him off the hook that easily. It wasn’t _his_ arm that was black and blue. Finlay also watched him warily.

“I won’t lie to you,” he continued. “The Ministry is not done meddling at Hogwarts. Things will get worse before they get better. However, you are always welcome here.”

Dumbledore’s piecing gaze landed on Lily and Finlay again. “Today was necessary, but next time we won’t be caught unaware.” He looked back at the rest of the group. “You may take the rest of the afternoon off.”

The students hurried away, whispering amongst themselves. How many of them would leave tonight? How many of them would have nightmares of choking bands and muggle-born work camps? Lily’s shoulders sagged. How could this be happening?

Finlay gave Lily a brief hug and then left, undoubtedly to find his girlfriend. He’d been dating Meredith, a 6thyear Slytherin, for a few years now. “Get Madame Pomphrey to look at your arm!” she called after him, knowing he wouldn’t do it. He gave a distracted wave.

“Well this isn’t the way I wanted to meet my son’s girlfriend.”

Lily started in surprise. “Oh, Mr. Potter! It’s, um, nice to meet you.”

The silver-fox version of James walked over, and Lily knew she never had to worry about James becoming unattractive. James had told her a lot about his parents, and she knew they knew about her. He’d had been hinting at her spending the upcoming holidays with them, but no plans had been made. _No time like the present_ , she thought.

“I’m sorry it wasn’t a more pleasant occasion.” He gave her a warm smile, despite the solemn look in his eyes.

She opened her mouth to thank him for interrupting whatever was about to happen, when they heard James.

“Dad?” They both turned as he shouted into the Great Hall and hurried over, confusion on his face. “What are you doing here? Is mom ok?”

Mr. Potter gave him a firm clap on the shoulder. “It’s good to see you too. Everything’s fine, son. Lily here can fill you in while I meet with your headmaster. Then, perhaps we grab a drink so I can interrogate this girl we’ve only heard about since first year.” He winked at Lily, and James’ face turned bright red.

“Dad!” His whine was so _teenager_ , Lily had to laugh. Sometimes she forgot they weren’t adults, yet.

Mr. Potter only grinned. “I’ll meet you down here in an hour.”

“Yeah, yeah,” James grumbled. “Humiliate me and then run away.”

Sirius waved merrily to Mr. Potter as they passed each other outside of the Great Hall doors. He made his way over to Lily and James, who had taken a seat at one of the tables. “What’s your dad doing here?”

James raised his eyebrows at Lily. “What _was_ he doing here? If you were asking my father’s blessing for marriage, you’re not very sneaky at it.”

Her cheeks flamed, and now it was her turn to sound like an embarrassed teenager. “James!”

He and Sirius grinned at each other.

“Well as the best man, I’ll help you pick out a ring. That’s the muggle thing to do, right?”

Lily shook her head and crossed her arms, wincing when her fingers brushed the bruise that must be forming under her sweater.

James’ brows furrowed but Remus sat down with them before he could say anything.

“Hey, did you hear about–oh hey, Lily. How’s your arm?” He yanked up her sleeve, revealing a nasty blue and green ring on her bicep.

 

“What _happened_?” James asked in horror, eyes riveted to the injury until she yanked down her sleeve, glaring at Remus. He took her arm and yanked it back up, fingers lightly skimming over the multi-colored skin. _What the actual hell?_

Lily laughed lightly, like it was nothing. “The Ministry came and tried to get us to wear some bullshit armbands. Luckily your dad came in time.”

So that’s why his dad was here. James rarely saw his dad at home, so all-consuming was his job in the Department of Mysteries, so it had been a huge shock to see him at school.

As Lily explained what had happened that afternoon, James felt sick to his stomach. That she could be treated like that… it was just preposterous. She was a better witch than many purebloods he knew. _Gilbert Gibbons._ He made a note of the name. Someday, he’d like to give that wanker a piece of his mind. Or his fist.

Remus shook his head. “It’s all over the school. A lot of people thought they were taking you away.”

“Yeah, I wondered that myself,” Lily admitted. “But it’s just this registry that’s ‘for our protection,’” she put in air quotes. “Or so they can track us down and pick us off, one at a time. Same difference.”

Sirius turned sideways on the bench and laid back, hands behind his head. “Listen, Evans, if you ever need a quick getaway, my motorcycle is at your disposal.”

James was half-ignoring the conversation, still preoccupied with her abused flesh. What would’ve happen if his dad hadn’t come, he wondered? Her arm… he carefully replaced her sleeve, jaw clenched. “ _Fuck,_ I’m sorry Lily.”

“Hey,” she sighed and leaned her head on his shoulder, intertwining their arms. “You didn’t do anything James. It’s just…” he followed her gaze to the stained-glass windows. “The way things are right now.”

He could see the stress on her face, the uncertainty about her future weighing her down. The Ministry was out of the question, obviously. Who would hire a muggle-born now? James wished she’d simply let him take care of her- god knows his family had more money than they knew what to do with- but he hadn’t even considered offering that to his headstrong girlfriend. He knew a resounding “no” and maybe (probably) a smack in the face would be his answer.

Peter strolled in, hands in his pockets. His eyes went to Lily’s arm; he must’ve heard.

“S’up guys?”

Sirius sat up and punched him in the side. “Where’ve you been?”

He glanced to the side. “Around. I didn’t know what to do when Lily got pulled out of class–”

James pressed his lips together. Seriously, he didn’t know what to do? Tell his frickin’ friends, that’s what he should do. Peter was one of his best friends but honestly, he needed to make some damn decisions once in a while.

“Yeah well we’re going to meet my dad,” he said coldly.

Peter’s eyes went from him to Lily, then to the floor. “Ok. See you around.”

James stared at him for one another moment. Where was the Peter he knew? Making a mental note to talk to his friend when he was less pissed off at him, he took Lily’s hand and they started the walk toward Hogsmeade. It was a chilly December day. The snow crunched beneath their feet and the grey sky seemed to overlook them sadly. His warming spell had them in a cozy little bubble as they made their way down the hill.

“I would’ve told him not to tell you, you know,” she began. “You always get so upset–”

He sighed out of his nose. _Not this again._ She was constantly excusing people’s behavior when it came to her own safety. It was just like Regulus, and Snivellus, although not as much anymore. They were so insulated at Hogwarts and shit like this was still happening. What would happen when they graduated? How would he keep her safe?

Tugging one of the locks of hair that was escaping her Gryffindor beanie, James bent toward her and kissed the top of her head. “Lily, how many times do I have to–”

“I know I deserve to be safe, James,” she interrupted, lightly elbowing him. “But telling you wouldn’t have helped, this time. You would’ve stormed in there and made it worse. Your dad works with that guy. How would it look for his son to–”

“Stand up for what’s right? Say no to the Ministry bullshit?”

“If Dumbledore couldn’t do anything, you couldn’t’ve,” she reasoned so fucking reasonably, it made James’ head hurt.

“I know! I know.” He pulled her closer, wanting maximum contact even when he was pissed as all get out. “And don’t think I’m going to let Peter off the hook. He’s one of my best friends. If his girlfriend got kidnapped out of class–”

“I was hardly kidnapped, and he doesn’t have a–”

“–then I would fucking well come and find him!”

James kicked at a convenient snowbank and it exploded in a shower of muddy brownish-white.

“Hey.”

Lily pulled at his hand, stopping him in his tracks. She turned to face him, framing his face in her mitten-clad hands.

“I. Am. Fine.”

“But you’re not–”

“I. Am. FINE,” she repeated.

He tried again. “No–”

Her hands pulled at his neck and suddenly his mouth was on hers, her body pressed up right against his. For a moment, just a moment, they blissfully forgot the Ministry, the school, their problems, and were just a regular seventh-year couple, making out on castle grounds.


End file.
